SOLANUM

Solanum

The guide attributes the zombie outbreaks described to a virus known as "Solanum". The disease was first recorded by Jan Vanderhaven, while traveling through South America. He described people who were infected with the disease as showing festering sores, mottled skin, and decomposing flesh. He also said they show no rational thought or recognition of anything familiar to them. They neither sleep nor drink water, and reject any food beside living prey, snapping at all who pass. A hospital orderly threw a living rat at an infected individual, who then consumed it whole.
Solanum is described as working by traveling through the bloodstream from the point of entry to the brain, where the virus replicates all cells in the frontal lobe, while destroying them. All bodily functions cease during this period, including respiration and heartbeat. The infected individual eventually is in a coma during this period and awakens as a zombie. The zombie will not need air, food, water, or even a heart to live. Their one and only goal will be to find and infect other individuals and the only way to stop that is to destroy the brain or remove the head. If the zombie is decapitated, the head still remains a threat.
The symptoms occur in this order. The timeline may be several hours off, depending on the size, number and location of the bites, and the composition of the victim.
Hour 1- Pain and discoloration of the infected area. Immediate clotting of the wound.
Hour 5- Fever between 99 F. and 103 F. Chills, slight dementia, vomiting, and acute pain in the joints.
Hour 8- Numbing of extremities and infected area, increased fever from 103 F to 106 F. increased dementia, loss of muscular coordination
Hour 11- Paralysis in the lower body, overall numbness, slowed heart rate
Hour 16- Coma
Hour 20- Heart stoppage, zero brain activity
Hour 23- Reanimation
Solanum is 100% communicable and 100% fatal. Contact with infected blood or saliva always result in infection. Ingestion of infected flesh results in permanent death unless the victim has open mouth sores. Solanum is fatal to any and all creatures, however humans are the only ones who will reanimate. Parasitic insects such as mosquitoes reject infected hosts 100% of the time. All animals will instinctively run, swim or fly away from zombies.

OUTBREAK SIGNS

OFFICIAL GLOBAL ALERT STATUS AND CRISIS PAGE
CURRENT ALERT STATUS: ELEVATED -- Scale last changed: Nov.2nd, 2005
Global Alert Level Scale:
· LOW -- Reports of 0-3 of the 13 main signs of an outbreak, mild possibility of a class 1-2 outbreak.
· STANDARD -- Reports of 3-5 of the 13 signs of an outbreak, increased possibility of a class 1-2 outbreak.
· ELEVATED -- Reports of 5-7 of the 13 signs, high possibility of a class 1-2 outbreak, low possibility of a class 3.
· HIGH -- Reports of 7-9 of the 13 signs confirmed by several sources, high possibility of a class 2-3 outbreak.
· SEVERE -- Confirmed reports of 9-13 of the 13 signs, widespread zombie sightings, extremely high possibility of a class 3 outbreak, potential class 4.

---- Crisis Information ----
Thirteen Main Signs of an Outbreak:
· Mass hysteria/murders
· Mass Cannabilism
· Government cover-ups
· Federal involvement in murders
· Escalating homicidal scenarios
· Media blackouts of towns/counties/cities
· Suspicious "wildfires" in populated areas
· Unknown illnesses with rabies-like symptoms
· Road-blocks to populous areas
· Riots with extreme violence or cannabilism
· Internal military deployment
· Outbreaks of "insanity" among towns
· "Witch" hunts

"The Brooks Outbreak Scale"
The "Brooks Outbreak Scale" is a class-based ranking of the level of intensity of zombie outbreak.
"Although each zombie attack is different, given the number, terrain, reaction of the general populace, etc., its level of intensity can be measured in four distinct classes."
CLASS 1
A low-level outbreak, usually in a Third World country or First World rural area. The number of zombies in this class of outbreak ranges between one and twenty. Total human casualties (including infected) range from one to fifty. The total duration, from the first case to the last, will range between twenty-four hours and fourteen days. The infested area will be small, no larger than a twenty-mile radius. In many cases, natural boundaries will determine its limits. Response will be light, either exclusively civilian or with some additional help from local law enforcement. Media coverage will be light, if present at all. If the media is present, look for common stories like homicides or "accidents." This is the most common type of outbreak and also the easiest to go to unnoticed.
CLASS 2
Urban or densely populated rural areas are included in this level of outbreak. Total zombies will range between twenty and one hundred. Total human casualties may reach as high as several hundred. The duration of a Class 2 attack may last no longer than a Class 1 outbreak. In some cases, the larger number of zombies will spark a more immediate response. A rural, sparsely populated outbreak may extend to a hundred-mile radius, while an urban outbreak may encompass only several blocks. Suppression will almost certainly be organized. Bands of civilians will be replaced by local, state, even federal law enforcement. Look for an additional, if low-level, military response, the National Guard in the United States or its equivalent in the world abroad. Most often, so as to ease panic, these units will take a more noncombatant role, providing medical assistance, crowd control, and logistical support. Class 2 outbreaks almost always attract the press. Unless the attack occurs in a truly isolated area of the world, or one where the media is strictly controlled, the story will be reported. This does not mean, however, tat it will be reported accurately.
CLASS 3
A true crisis. Class 3 outbreaks, more than any other, demonstrate the clear threat posed by the living dead. Zombies will number in the thousands, encompassing an area of seveal hundred miles. The duration of the attack and a possible lengthy mop-up process could last as long as several months. There will be no chance for a press blackout or cover-up. Even without media attention, the sheer magnitude of the attack will leave too many eyewitnesses. This is a full-blown battle, with law enforcement replaced by units of the regular military. A state emergency will be declared for the infested zone, as well as the neighboring areas. Expect martial law, restricted travel, rationed supplies, federalized services, and strictly monitored communication. All these measures, however, will take time to implement. The initial phase will be one of chaos as those in power come to grips with the crisis. Riots, looting, and widespread panic will add to their difficulties, further delaying an effective response. While this is happening, those living within the infested area will be at the mercy of the undead. Isolated, abandoned, and surrounded by ghouls, they will have only themselves to depend on.
CLASS 4
Referred to as a doomsday outbreak. The zombie hordes have grown so large that they cover the entire planet. Military and police agencies have crippled under the strength and surprise of the rapidly and exponentially expanding menace. You are now living in an undead world. In more deserted locations such as deserts, bands of nomads and raiders might eventually find a way to live by feeding off of other survivors, looting, and pillaging. These raiders would become your biggest enemy.
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Top Ten Mistakes in a Zombie Film

Top Ten Mistakes in a Zombie Film

If you're going to survive a zombie outbreak, there are some things you will need to keep in mind not to do:
If you live anywhere near an industry that produces toxic waste of an unknown type, don't just sit around, move to a different town! This toxic waste will eventually somehow contaminate the area and turn everyone but you into cannibal zombies.
Do not read from any books written in blood and bound in human skin, or listen to any tapes made thereof. This has a tendency to cause zombies to appear.
If you pick a place to hide out, make sure that there are no dead people already inside, since they will eventually become zombies and attack you.
Don't try and reason with any zombies, just run. They may appear to be paying attention to you, but that is because they are actually trying to gauge the quickest way through your skull.
Don't use a blunt instrument if you have to fight zombies. This will only break a bone or two and make them mad. Projectile weapons are the most effective (but only if you can consistently hit the brain). Otherwise, chainsaws and lawnmowers have been known to work in a pinch.
If any of your friends die, don't just let them lie there (assuming that there's anything left). Make sure and shoot them in the head. Otherwise, they will rise again and somehow find you later when you least expect it, and you'll have to shoot them in the head then anyway.
If you are trapped by zombies with someone that you don't get along with, keep a close eye on that person. Experience has shown that conflict within a group of defenders can provoke irrational actions, leading to the demise of one or more of the group.
While trapped inside a building by zombies, don't go near the windows, even boarded up ones. The zombies will stand outside moaning quietly to themselves until you are right by the window, and then they will suddenly punch through it and grab you. The other zombies will try and distract you by pounding on the doors and walls, and saying "Braaaaaains".
If you have to run through a crowd of zombies, don't get too confident just because they have limited brain power and move slowly. Zombies have a death grip (no pun intended), and if you get too close to one, you'll regret it.
If you're trapped in a farmhouse by a zombie horde, don't just sit there waiting for rescuers. Use your spare time to make a big sign that says "DON'T SHOOT ME, I'M HUMAN!" so that said rescuers don't make a mistake when they see you.

THE COMBAT GUIDE

Welcome to The Combat Guide, the web's number one anti-zombie resource since 2004... are you prepared?
Zombie Outbreak Crisis
A Comprehensive Survival Manual for the Average Home

1.1- Zombies and the Disease
When finished with this survival guide, one should have a thorough understanding of what a zombie is, how to prepare for an outbreak, and how to combat and repel zombies. Right now you should try to forget everything that you have learned about zombies from Hollywood films. The only film which comes remotely close to being a realistic depiction of real world zombies is entitled: "28 Days Later". In this British film a ridiculous virus, but a biological strain nonetheless, is released from a research laboratory in England. The zombie-virus depicted in the film causes extremely violent behavior and a craving for human flesh among those infected. While the forms of the actual zombie disease are parasitic in nature, this movie comes relatively close in terms of symptoms and transmittance.
In the real world, the zombie is actually the result of an infectious disease caused by a mutated cousin of a Myxosporean parasite called "Myxobolus cerebralis". Myxobolus cerebralis is a parasite found among salmonids (salmon and trout fish). This parasite causes damage to the nervous system and skeletal deformation as well as various other abnormal changes among fish. The cause of the mutation of Myxobolus cerebralis which enabled it to target mammalian species remains idiopathic to researchers. Recently, Swiss microbiologists conducting research into this strain of mutated Myxobolus cerebralis, named the parasite "Myxobolus Haemosteomyelitisnarcosa", (M. H.). This nomenclature roughly translates into "blood/bone-inflammatory-stupor parasite". The parasite affects the central and peripheral nervous systems of the infected (CNS, PNS). Infection results in extremely violent uncontrollable behavior, a hunger for human or animal flesh, and sometimes exhibits an incubation period anywhere from two to twenty-four hours. Survivors of a small Malaysian outbreak of M. H. in 2003 have described the infected as exhibiting symptoms of Rabies, Dementia, and Malaria. Details of the stages of M. H. infection have been documented from various survivors around the world and throughout history. Below is an interpretation of the compilation of findings about the stages of this disease. The entire process does not frequently exceed one hour in recorded cases and experiments, the process is accelerated among children and the elderly due to their generally weakened immune systems.
Stage 1: A human has recently drunk water from a stagnant source containing the parasite or has received the parasite from the bodily fluids (saliva, blood, mucus) of an already infected victim.Within 5 minutes the recipient of the parasite will experience most or all of the following symptoms:-Deep anxiety-Irritability-Violent behavior-Highly dilated pupils-High fever (102-105 deg. F, 39-41 deg. C)-Blurred vision-Muscle spasms and twitches-Drooling-Vomiting, diarrhea, and nausea-Strong headache and muscle aches-Strong sense of gained weight
Stage 2: 15-30 minutes past infection time...
-Dementia-Blindness or heavily darkened vision-Tachycardia (rapid pulse)-Strong drooling and foaming at the mouth-Convulsions-Hallucinations (auditory and visual)-Bleeding from the eyes, mouth, ears, and rectum-Blistering, reddish in coloration
Stage 3: 30-40 minutes past infection time...
-Complete loss of verbal functions-Complete loss of hearing and vision-Extreme and disturbing bodily convulsions-Screaming and crying -Intestinal disgorgement-Large and inflamed bleeding sores -Jaundice of the skin-Eyes covered with milky-white clouds and strongly bloodshot-Victim collapse, short-term coma begins
Stage 4: 40-60 minutes past infection time...
-Physical mutations occur during coma-Rapid skeletal and muscular growth-Body convulsions, closely followed by awakening-Moans and grunting, nonsensical use of vocal chords-Victim begins to express aggressive cannibalistic tendencies-Victim surges with energy and exploits heightened sense of smell to hunt for sustenance

Visual Representations of the Parasitic Effects of Myxobolus Haemosteomyelitisnarcosa

Parasitic Muscular Effect

Rendering of the three main stages of necrotic degradation
The parasite living in the infected human will use the body's flesh for sustenance in order to maintain itself.

Neurological Mutations
The human brain is the seat of the human mind - the set of cognitive processes related to perception, interpretation, imagination and memories, of which a person may or may not be aware. Beyond cognitive functions, the brain regulates autonomic processes related to essential body functions such as respiration and heartbeat. Today, we know that Myxobolus Haemosteomyelitisnarcosa affects several locations in the Human Brain. Those locations being the Rhombencephalon, Mesencephalon, Prosencephalon, and Telencephalon. The disease blocks and mutates functions of the mind, and sustains the body in order to sustain itself. Due to the dangerous and controversial nature of M. H. research, much is still unknown regarding this parasite's effects on the human body.
The Rhombencephalon can be subdivided in a variable number of transversal swellings called Rhombomeres. In the human embryo we can distinguish eight Rhombomeres, from caudal to rostral: Rh7 - Rh1 and the isthmus (the most rostral rhombomere). Rhombomeres Rh.7 to Rh.4 form the Telencephalon, and Rhombomeres Rh.3 to Rh.1 form the metencephalon. The myelencephalon forms the medulla in the adult brain; contains a portion of the fourth ventricle as well as the glossopharyngeal nerve (CN IX), vagus nerve (CN X), accessory nerve (CN XI), hypoglossal nerve (CN XII), and a portion of the vestibulocochlear nerve (CN VIII). The metencephalon is composed of the pons and the cerebellum; contains a portion of the fourth ventricle; and the trigeminal nerve (CN V), abducens nerve (CN VI), facial nerve (CN VII), and a portion of the vestibulocochlear nerve (CN VIII). The Central Nervous System (CNS) represents the largest part of the Nervous System. Together with the Peripheral Nervous System, it has a fundamental role in the control of behavior. The mutation of the Rhombencephalon under an M. H. infection correlates with many aspects of zombie behavior, including decision-making.
In biological anatomy, the Mesencephalon (or midbrain) is the middle of three vesicles that arise from the neural tube that forms the brain of developing animals. M. H. alters the Mesencephalon's sub-sections severely, resulting in altered dopaminergic releases and auditory input mutations. The Mesencephalon caudally adjoins the pons and rostrally adjoins the diencephalon. In mature human brains, the Mesencephalon becomes the least differentiated from both its developmental form and within its own structure, among the three vesicles. The Mesencephalon is considered part of the brain stem or the midbrain. The substantia nigra is closely associated with motor system pathways of the basal ganglia. The Mesencephalon is archipallian in origin, meaning its general architecture is shared with the most ancient of vertebrates. Dopamine produced in the substantia nigra plays a role in motivation and habituation of species from humans to the most elementary animals such as insects. The midbrain is usually sectioned at the level of the superior and inferior colliculi. A cross-section through the superior colliculus shows the red nucleus, the nuclei of the oculomotor nerve (and associated Edinger-Westphal nucleus), as well as the substantia nigra. The substantia nigra is still present at inferior colliculus level. Also apparent are the trochlear nerve nucleus, and the decussation of the superior cerebellar peduncles. The cerebral aqueduct runs through the midbrain, and is the communication between the third and fourth ventricle. The Mesencephalon contains the tectum (auditory and visual response), inferior/superior colliculus (auditory input, sensorimotor functions), cerebral peduncle (loop fiber containment), midbrain tegmentum, cerebral peduncle, substantia nigra (movement, dopamine release, attention, reward), pretectum (controls pupillary diameter).
Also recognized as the forebrain, the Prosencephalon gives rise to the diencephalon and the Telencephalon. The Prosencephalon emerges from the top, or front end of the neural tube. Profound development of prosencephalar areas in adult humans, especially the neopallium, creates the physiological basis for many of humans' unique skills related to memory, planning, conjecture, and fabrication. In humans, the Telencephalon surrounds older parts of the brain much like a helmet or turban. It includes the cerebral cortex of the cerebral hemispheres, a limbic lobe and an olfactory lobe. Limbic, olfactory and motor systems project fibers from subcortical areas of the cerebrum to parts of the brainstem. Cognitive and volitive systems project fibers from cortical areas of the cerebrum to thalamic nuclei and to other regions of the brainstem. The neural networks of the Telencephalon facilitate complex learned behaviors, such as the use of language.
Humans that have been fully infected by M. H. have shown varying levels of intelligence. There is still much to be uncovered when researching this disease, but many facets of zombie intelligence have been recorded. The average M. H. zombie possesses no sense of right, wrong, or consequence. Zombies satisfy primal urges such as hunting, surviving, and destroying. Infected humans do not require sleep, can survive off of very little food, and do not feel substantial amounts of pain. They will avoid unnecessary dangers, they won't walk straight into a fire or shamble off of a cliff. However, if a zombie is motivated by a promise of food, then they will go to any length to get it, endangering their own lives to satisfy their hunger. They have been seen using simple tools such as rocks and sticks to break through windows and barricades. They can use most types of door handles and slide open unlocked windows to enter a home. Zombies are capable of scaling many types of walls and fences, razor and barbed wire will only slow them down. Due to the effects of M. H. on the CNS and PNS, zombies suffer from a form of Alzheimer's Disease. After the parasite has taken root in the body of an infected human, that person will have no memories of their past lives, lost and confused creatures with instincts that command them to kill, maim, and feast on human flesh. M. H. possesses a mysterious ability that still puzzles scientists. The parasite emits a type of Thiol which acts as a passive signal to other zombies instructing them to stay away and ignore it as a food source. In addition to protecting zombies from each other, the thiol emissions give zombies a distinct repugnant odor which can induce vomiting and gagging in un-infected humans nearby.
Physical Mutations
Myxobolus Haemosteomyelitisnarcosa shares many physically mutative traits with Myxobolus Cerebralis. M. H. commands certain muscle groups to grow and strengthen. Some of the affected muscles control mastication (chewing) and movement. Other affected regions include the suprahyoids, the lateral cervical muscles, muscles of the thorax and abdomen, and the muscles of the upper limbs. The human skeleton is also mutated, some parts disfigured, others enhanced for function. The bones of the jaw, hands, vertebrae, and thigh all increase in size and density. Field observations have denoted fresh zombies to be incredibly strong due to these rapid muscular and musculoskeletal mutations. Although, vast quantities of energy, protein, and food stores are spent by the parasite while mutating the body. This consumption of food reserve in a fresh zombie is theorized to be the cause of extreme violence and hunger immediately following a transformation. Zombies will move with a slow, sluggish gait most of the time. If pursuing a potential meal, zombies are capable of running for very long distances at high speeds. It can be inferred from this data that the zombie is a mentally and physically venerable opponent to all humans.
1.2- The Brooks Outbreak Scale
The "Brooks Outbreak Scale" was created by the acclaimed author Max Brooks, writer of the "Zombie Survival Guide", an entertaining and comedic book, but do not be fooled, the threat is real. The "Brooks Outbreak Scale" is a class-based ranking of the level of intensity of zombie outbreak, what follows is an excerpt from the aforementioned book:
"Although each zombie attack is different, given the number, terrain, reaction of the general populace, etc., its level of intensity can be measured in four distinct classes."
CLASS 1
A low-level outbreak, usually in a Third World country or First World rural area. The number of zombies in this class of outbreak ranges between one and twenty. Total human casualties (including infected) range from one to fifty. The total duration, from the first case to the last, will range between twenty-four hours and fourteen days. The infested area will be small, no larger than a twenty-mile radius. In many cases, natural boundaries will determine its limits. Response will be light, either exclusively civilian or with some additional help from local law enforcement. Media coverage will be light, if present at all. If the media is present, look for common stories like homicides or "accidents." This is the most common type of outbreak and also the easiest to go to unnoticed.
CLASS 2
Urban or densely populated rural areas are included in this level of outbreak. Total zombies will range between twenty and one hundred. Total human casualties may reach as high as several hundred. The duration of a Class 2 attack may last no longer than a Class 1 outbreak. In some cases, the larger number of zombies will spark a more immediate response. A rural, sparsely populated outbreak may extend to a hundred-mile radius, while an urban outbreak may encompass only several blocks. Suppression will almost certainly be organized. Bands of civilians will be replaced by local, state, even federal law enforcement. Look for an additional, if low-level, military response, the National Guard in the United States or its equivalent in the world abroad. Most often, so as to ease panic, these units will take a more noncombatant role, providing medical assistance, crowd control, and logistical support. Class 2 outbreaks almost always attract the press. Unless the attack occurs in a truly isolated area of the world, or one where the media is strictly controlled, the story will be reported. This does not mean, however, tat it will be reported accurately.
CLASS 3
A true crisis. Class 3 outbreaks, more than any other, demonstrate the clear threat posed by the living dead. Zombies will number in the thousands, encompassing an area of several hundred miles. The duration of the attack and a possible lengthy mop-up process could last as long as several months. There will be no chance for a press blackout or cover-up. Even without media attention, the sheer magnitude of the attack will leave too many eyewitnesses. This is a full-blown battle, with law enforcement replaced by units of the regular military. A state emergency will be declared for the infested zone, as well as the neighboring areas. Expect martial law, restricted travel, rationed supplies, federalized services, and strictly monitored communication. All these measures, however, will take time to implement. The initial phase will be one of chaos as those in power come to grips with the crisis. Riots, looting, and widespread panic will add to their difficulties, further delaying an effective response. While this is happening, those living within the infested area will be at the mercy of the undead. Isolated, abandoned, and surrounded by ghouls, they will have only themselves to depend on.
CLASS 4
Referred to as a doomsday outbreak. The zombie hordes have grown so large that they cover the entire planet. Military and police agencies have crippled under the strength and surprise of the rapidly and exponentially expanding menace. You are now living in an undead world. In more deserted locations such as deserts, bands of nomads and raiders might eventually find a way to live by feeding off of other survivors, looting, and pillaging. These raiders would become your biggest enemy.
1.3- Signs of an Outbreak
Below is a depiction of what might happen if a more severe outbreak, possibly a class 3, occurred in a large metropolis in the United States...
2:00 PM Monday: Mass murder is reported in a neighborhood in the city.

6:00 PM Monday: Citizens begin to flee the city due to the panics, rioters, and looting.Murders begin to spread and are covering the broadcast networks, traffic jams occur.

8:00 PM Monday: National Guard units are dispatched to quell riots, mass hysteria, and rampant violence in the city and its suburbs. Highways allowed the zombies to spread quickly.

11:00 PM Monday: The city and its suburbs are now filled with the undead. With no fire department or police force to control the population, fires spread and parts of the city burn. The highways and interstates have long been completely stuck by this time and become deathtraps. The military establishes checkpoints and medical centers. Bases are overrun with refugees and injured victims of the zombie scourge. The deployed National Guard units are soon overrun due to their efforts to provide first aid to the infected.

11:00 PM Monday to 6:00 AM Tuesday: The metropolis is a complete loss and the surrounding communities are devastated. The military's efforts to quarantine the city failed. The infected who escaped early in the afternoon made their way to the homes of relatives in other towns and cities.

7:00 AM Tuesday: You wake up amid a firestorm. Scattered gunshots ring throughout the air. Bodies fill the streets, soon to re-animate. The power is down, the phones are out, and the gas stations are ablaze. You decided to "ride out the storm" when you saw the news casts. It'll only be a matter of hours before your home is surrounded by the hordes of the undead.

This was only a hypothetical scenario, nobody knows when or where the next zombie outbreak will occur, or what magnitude it will be (probably). To increase the chances of surviving an outbreak, one should be able to spot the early signs of a zombie incident.
Signs to look for:
· Mass hysteria/murders
· Mass Cannibalism
· Government cover-ups
· Federal involvement in murders
· Escalating homicidal scenarios
· Media blackouts of towns/counties/cities
· Suspicious "wildfires" in populated areas
· Unknown illnesses with rabies-like symptoms
· Road-blocks to populous areas
· Riots with extreme violence or cannibalism
· Internal military deployment
· Outbreaks of "insanity" among towns
· "Witch" hunts
If you see any of these signs, its time to start thinking about calling up the members of your family or party. Collect ammunition, gas up the vehicles, and grab the escape bag. (See: Section Two)

1.4- Good and Bad Locations (Choosing the right environment)
KEY CONCEPTS : LOW HUMAN POPULATION + FERTILE LAND + MOISTURE + MODERATE OR MILD TEMPERATURES ----> AVOID: MAJOR CITIES, COLD AREAS, JUNGLES, PLAINS, HIGH MOUNTAINS...
Climate Zones
Although it may be unrealistic or even impossible for many people to move to a more secure location and give up their jobs and home, this section will inform all about the safest locations on Earth and the most dangerous ones. Earth contains two large areas of polar climates separated by two rather narrow temperate zones from a wide equatorial band of tropical to subtropical climates. Precipitation patterns vary widely, ranging from several meters of water per year to less than a millimeter. In the case of a zombie outbreak, simply put, the safest places to be are the most fertile, most deserted, most temperate places on Earth. However, much of the terrain which matches this description is already densely populated. Deserts are usually sparsely populated, which is excellent, but they are also very difficult to live in and maintain a food supply. Plains regions can support crops, but also have extremely limited tree coverage, or protection from the elements, sometimes very harsh winters can be experienced here. Jungles are usually considered more remote locations, rich in foods, animal, and plant life. The tropical rainforests and jungles of Earth are also home to a vast number of diseases and unstable political establishments. Even if one found a very remote location in the jungle, they have the difficult task of construction, communication, and surviving the environment. Polar and low temperature regions of Earth would be ideal locations to escape and defend from the zombie threat if it wasn't so incredibly difficult to live there. Mountainous regions are also excellent concepts for defense from the living dead, they are remote and have rugged terrain. If one managed to establish a survival fortress in a highly mountainous regions, then they should be fine. The problem is movement and temperatures in mountainous regions. While they provide excellent defense, they are also extremely dangerous to live in and construct in. Lower mountains and fertile temperate forests with a low human population and mild to moderate seasonal temperature changes are the best and most feasible locations for escape and establishment of a fortress or secure home.
This makes regions of Canada an ideal location for creating an escape base. Canada has a relatively low population, especially low in comparison with its size in relation to other countries of the world. Canada holds vast reserves of water: 7% of the world's fresh water, a quarter of humid lands and the third largest amount of glaciers (after Antarctica and Greenland). The regions which are best suited for growing and maintaining light crops, and which maintain moderate temperatures year round, and yield a low human population include: the Pacific Temperate Rain Forest, the Alberta-British Columbia Foothills Forests, and the Foothills of the Rocky Mountains in Alberta. If you live in North America, then these regions are highly recommended escape spots for building a fortress or secure home. The eastern regions of Canada are home to a more dense population, and are also at high risk from the massive exodus of survivors and infected coming from the United State's New England region, particularly cities such as Boston, New York, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Washington D.C., etc.... MAPS OF CANADA: Political, Topographical
The United States of America has a much higher population than Canada (296 million versus 32 million). This population of 296 million people is distributed in a smaller area than that of Canada. There are major cities in just about every geographical region of the US. The US is also home to a Pacific Temperate Rain Forest along the Pacific coastal line. The difference is that this US region is much more highly populated than the Canadian stretch lying only hundreds of kilometers to the North. If living in the US and seeking refuge and security from the Zombie threat, the best location for establishing a fortress would be in the states of North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Oregon, and Montana. Out of all of these, the more remote regions of Montana would be the best, as they are home to temperate foothills forests and although there are high mountains, you can establish an easily defensible base in a nice location for your party or yourself.
The terrain and climate of Mexico varies from rocky deserts to tropical rainforests. Most of this nation's geography is unfit for easy survival or the construction of your fortress. I would not recommend escaping to this country in the event of a zombie outbreak in your nation. If you live in Mexico, the most advisable escape location would be Copper Canyon in the State of Chihuahua and its surrounding forested areas. Mexico's landscape is mostly quite harsh to humans unless they live in a major city. This locational setup is not advised for anyone escaping the zombie threat and seeking a comfortable or stable atmosphere to develop their fortress in.
Structures and Properties
This sub-section provides information regarding specific types of properties and their advantages and disadvantages. If your party has decided to meet at a home/fortress, or you have decided to stay inside your own private residence, section 2 is a critical read. Even if a party or individual decides to wait it out inside a home or fortress, sometimes it is necessary to escape. Escape may be provoked by food or supply shortages, compromised defenses, or even psychological breakdown. Thus, it is necessary to know which types of structures are safe and which are not. Even with this knowledge, every city and situation is different and caution must be observed.
When fleeing to a more secure location out of desperation, it will be especially important to AVOID: churches/places of worship, indoor malls, military bases, hunting stores, military surplus stores, airports, hospitals, police stations, and highways. Churches and other places of worship will always attract dozens if not hundreds of desperate and hopeless people during a zompocalypse. Citizens will flee to these houses of god in order to seek safety and comfort. In a zombie outbreak however, these structures will become feeding frenzies where the virus can easily spread among those packed inside. Existing zombies will likely hear the screams, crying, shouting, and frantic praying of citizens inside and storm the buildings.
Indoor malls should be avoided due to their tendency to attract massive numbers of fleeing citizens with their hopes of food, supplies, and large space. Malls also attract looters, as in all crises looters will wreak havoc initially, only to be eaten or join the ranks of the living dead. If deserted, a modern mall would make a wonderful refuge for a small band of escapees, however, security glass and complex locks will make it difficult to gain entry into the structure. With this in mind, one can imagine the difficulties and risks involved in trying to break into a locked mall in the middle of a populated area, while on the run, during a zombie outbreak. Therefore, malls and large indoor shopping centers should be a refuge of last resort.
Military bases should be avoided because of their nature to attract thousands of citizens with false promises of immense security, supplies, and transportation. Large military bases in and around a modern urban center would be overrun during a class three or higher outbreak. In addition to military bases being magnets to fleeing citizens, one must remember that soldiers are humans too, humans with the same fears and tendency to panic as the rest of us. Well-armed, panicked soldiers should be avoided at all costs, especially if you hope to run to a military base several hours into an outbreak. For, after a few hours pass in a zombie outbreak crisis, military bases will close their gates after they become overwhelmed by refugees and rioters. At this point, a base would contain dozens of infected escapees, and the perimeter would be surrounded by hundreds of desperate citizens, some infected, some soon to be. Soldiers may be commanded "shoot to kill" in order to secure a military base under siege. Hunting stores and military surplus stores must also be avoided for similar reasons, the no doubt survivalist nature of those holed up inside these stores would be extremely dangerous for anyone trying to gain access, whether infected or not.
Airports, whether they are regional or international, should always be avoided. Try to imagine an airport at the peak of the holiday season, the hallways packed elbow to elbow, now imagine that situation with twice as many people, except these people would be desperate, dangerous, and it is guaranteed that there will be infected citizens in the crowds and on planes. Several hours after a large outbreak, airports would be shut down, and the massive quantities of panicked escapees inside would succumb to the rapidly spreading disease.

2.1- Establishing Home Defense
KEY CONCEPTS : PLYWOOD NOT PARTICLE-BOARD, IT'S NEVER TOO SOON TO START, SCREWS NOT NAILS, BLACKOUT-CURTAINS, STEEL-REINFORCED DOORS, WATER, FOOD, WEAPONS, ENTERTAINMENT, COMMUNICATION IS ESSENTIAL, WIDE FIELD OF VIEW NECESSARY...
The zombie threat is continuously increasing along with the human population of cities on Earth. A human infected with Myxobolus Haemosteomyelitisnarcosa is extremely dangerous! A fully infected individual's intelligence can be compared with that of a bright canine. A zombie can be smarter than a canine when it comes down to manipulating objects and using tools, but a canine can be more intelligent than a zombie in other areas. (See: Zombies and the Disease). This means that many zombies can be formidable opponents to un-infected humans, even if they are protected in a home. Most zombies can manipulate simple objects to achieve a simple task, such as using a rock to shatter a glass window. It is important to remember that zombies work as a collective organism, and thus will not finish each other off by their own volition. The zombie will mount continuous assaults on your home or building, they will attract other zombies with moans and shrieks, and use simple tools to break through your defenses. This is why it is of the utmost importance to prepare your home or fortress properly for a zombie siege.
Most middle-class citizens of first world countries will probably not have enough funding to build a sound fortress as a shelter to flee to during a zombie outbreak. However, most home owners are capable of securing their residence from the zombie threat. This section will provide tips and instructions to the reader which focus on securing a humble abode. However, if you are a more wealthy citizen, and possess enough money to construct a second home, the next chapter focuses on building a first rate anti-zombie defense fortress.
Windows
One of the most important zones of the home to secure are the windows. Security bars are NOT recommended upgrades for your windows, as they will prevent inhabitants from escaping if a fire occurs or zombies infiltrate a weak point. Plexi-Glass can be installed through a contractor service, it is expensive but incredibly strong and reliable. On a lower budget, purchase "Security Tape" for windows. Apply security tape in a mesh pattern to both sides of every glass window in your home. This method is cheap and effective, as it helps the window resist shattering. This measure will not stop zombies from getting inside the house, but it will slow them down.
Security Tape and Plexi-Glass are two examples of a secondary defense. A primary barrier is necessary to prevent the undead from getting to the point where they can shatter a window. Steel storm shutters provide excellent primary window protection from zombies and projectiles. A cheaper alternative is plywood. If one cannot afford steel storm shutters, then it is necessary to purchase plywood to form a barrier outside the window frame. Plywood boards with a depth, or thickness, of 5cm (2") and a length about 25cm (10") past each side of the window frame will provide excellent defense if stacked and formed into a shutter or locking panel. If an outbreak occurs in your area before you have created or purchased window defense, there are several important steps to take. When boarding up windows and doors, space the boards out so that fingers cannot reach through each board. Always nail boards and panels to the outside of a window or door, nailing wood to the inside will allow a zombie to push the board or panel out of the wall or door frame with relative ease. And remember, plywood is much stronger than particle board! Do not attach defensive boards or panels to dry-wall, as this surface will crumble easily if any pressure is exerted upon the wood. Long screws offer much more strength and pull-resistance than nails, use screws on critical areas and the longest boards with the highest potential leverage.
An optional, yet effective tertiary protection for window-frames is thick, adhesive putty. If one's home is older, it may have structurally unsound window frames, there is no point in having strong glass if the supporting frame is flimsy. Very thick adhesive putty, if liberally applied to the edges of the window frame, will provide fairly solid defense from zombies trying to push the whole frame into a home. Lastly, one will need to purchase either thick drapes or black-out-blinds, some kind of curtain to totally block light from leaving your house and potentially attracting zombies to your premises.
Doors
Despite popular rumors, zombies are not completely brainless. Most zombies can and will open a door with the door handle! They do not have the reasoning capacity to use keys or successfully walk through a revolving door, but unlocked house doors are extremely vulnerable. Thus, the most important method of defending your door is a strong deadbolt locking mechanism. Do not purchase too many locks for a door, or it will be difficult to get in and out of your home quickly in an emergency. Also critical to defense from the living dead is a sturdy door frame. If a door is equipped with six locking mechanisms, but is supported by a flimsy door frame, the whole door could easily get kicked in or knocked over. A steel frame rested in concrete or strong wood framing will provide adequate defense from several attacking zombies. In addition to a strong door frame, the zombie-safe home will need a reinforced door. It is essential to purchase a steel-reinforced door, not a steel-plated door. When positioning a door and attaching it to the frame, ensure that the door will only open outwards.
Sliding-glass doors are a gigantic threat to many homes. Zombies will literally pour into your home through this vulnerable entrance. It is essential to remove all sliding-glass doors and replace them with steel-core, outward-swinging doors with deadbolt locks. If one cannot afford to replace a sliding-glass door, sandbags and plywood barriers are a viable option. Remember, do not leave room in your plywood panels for fingers to reach through, do not attach boards to dry-wall, do not attach boards to the inside of the home, always attach them to the outside walls and frames. Garage doors may seem structurally sound, in reality they are just as vulnerable as any other wood or thin metal door. They can be punched through, pushed down, and lifted up. At the first sign of a zombie outbreak in your area, one can erect long plywood boards and attach them from the floor via a fastening system (large eye hole and hook) to the garage door. Attach long plywood boards to the outside of the garage door in an X pattern. Disable any sensor beams to prevent accidental door openings, and weight the door down with sandbags or some other form of dense material to prevent lifting.
Perimeters
Most homes in the Suburban United States and Europe are equipped with fences on the property. Any fence lower than 2 meters (6.5ft), will NOT prevent a zombie from climbing into your yard. Do not rely on garden gates, or picket fences. All perimeter fences should have supportive beams dividing the fence material into small rectangular sections. Concrete walls are obviously preferred over wooden and chain-link fences, as they cannot be pushed over or easily gripped. Wooden fences are superior to chain-link fences as the surface has less foot-holds, wood is usually stronger than thin metal chain mesh. A chain-link fence will slow a zombie's progress, they will have a hard time climbing it, but it will not stop them entirely. Chain-link fences also emit much more noise than wooden or concrete fences, thus attracting more zombies to the location, ensuring a breach. If there are enough zombies, any wooden or chain-link fence can be compromised either by pushing, tearing, or shattering. Chicken wiring will not stop zombies unless it is used in multiple layers along with strong support beams and sharp barriers. All wooden, concrete, and chain-link fences should have concertina or razor wire firmly attached and thickly rolled atop the fence across its entire perimeter. Zombies do not feel more than a minuscule amount of pain, and will climb over and walk through thick razor wire. However, razor and concertina wire will severely damage a zombie's body, sometimes amputating fingers, cutting major arteries, removing eyes, ears, noses, and skin. The end result is a severely battered zombie whose capacity to fight is diminished. So, a concrete, wood, or chain-link fence topped with razor or concertina wire is an excellent solution to the problem of perimeter defense. There are still more ways of improving security around one of these fences. A fortification used for centuries by many nations throughout history, the spike. Thick, sharpened, wood or metal poles can be placed into the ground next to a fence at a 60 degree angle with the point facing away from the property. Quick-dry cement should be used to secure the spike into a 60cm (2ft) deep hole. The spike should protrude 1.5m (5ft) from the hole. Spikes should be placed in close proximity to each other, approximately 30cm (1ft) spaces between each spike. Mid-sized shrubbery can be placed in front of the spikes to prevent locals from getting worried or calling the police. If one lives in an urban or suburban environment and chooses to hide the spikes, it will be essential to place clear warning signs on the premises to prevent children or adolescents from impaling themselves.
Moats are an excellent alternative to spikes, are completely legal, and can be disguised as decorative landscaping. A suitable depth for an anti-zombie moat is 2 to 2.5 m (6.5-8ft). The moat should be 1.5m (5ft) wide, as most zombies can jump, but not that far. Moats should be placed around the outside of every stretch of fencing on the property, if a segment of fence connects with a neighbor's yard, dig the moat behind your fence or wall. The moat can be filled with water tied into a re-circulation system to prevent evaporation. Be aware that a water-filled moat in a region which experiences winter, will be rendered useless during extended freezing conditions. In addition to this, a water-filled moat will not last long in deserts or regions affected by drought.
Land Mines
As this chapter focuses on improving the security of the average home, it is strongly advised NOT to use land mines or any form of explosive in home defense. Most of the time your home must serve its main purpose, to provide as a peaceful shelter. Placing land mines around a home will risk the lives of all neighbors, and break laws. If a land mine or other explosive detonates during a zombie outbreak, it will only serve to kill one zombie and attract dozens more.
Safe Rooms
If zombies manage to break through your perimeter, doors, or windows, one must retreat to a safe room. A safe-room should have at least one bed, one chair, a sanitary facility (bathroom), entertainment (books, paper, mp3 player), an observation port with a wide field of view (periscope or small window), communication (radio, walkie-talkie, phone), batteries, earplugs, goggles, gloves, extra clothing, camouflage, blankets, enough food and water for several weeks, backpacks, defensive weapons (shotgun, sword), plenty of ammunition, strong doors and windows, and an escape route (hatch in the ceiling, attic entrance, window, etc...)
An ideal safe-room conversion would be a home's master bedroom. These bedrooms are the largest, sometimes have connecting bathrooms, windows, and are on the second floor of many homes. The safe room should ideally be located on the second floor of a house, as one can destroy the stairs leading up to the floor with an axe to prevent zombies from getting in.
A first floor safe-room will work, but will not be as safe as a second floor room, due to the lack of stairs and limited visibility. Basements should be avoided as there are usually limited escape routes, and the possibility of becoming cornered if zombies shamble down the stairs.
Attics are suitable safe-rooms for one or two individuals, in an attic you can be silent, watch the entire neighborhood through a crack or small window, and zombies will probably have no way of getting in. However, attics can become unsanitary, hot, dark, and cramped. If one chooses to utilize an attic as a safe-room, then a rudimentary toilet system can be constructed before the outbreak... Cut a hole in a wall facing the outdoors, attach PVC pipe securely to the hole, and extend piping out the hole, down the house's wall, and into the ground. A threaded plugging section can be used to seal and unseal the toilet pipe at the user's end.

2.2- Building a Fortress
KEY CONCEPTS : GOOD LOCATION, MULTIPLE LINES OF DEFENSE, COMMUNICATION, VISIBILITY, SUPPLIES, AMMUNITION, WATER, FOOD, CONCRETE, WEATHER SURVIVABILITY, STRONG MATERIALS, CONCRETE, STEEL, REASONABLE DISTANCE FROM HOME...
A fortress is a complex of sound construction. One must dedicate a vast amount of time, and a sizeable amount of money in order to erect a proper zombie defense fortress. Planning is everything, choose locations wisely, take into account all possible factors, build with room to grow and room for defenses. In addition to protecting an individual or entire party from the zombie threat, a proper fortress must also nurture the lives of all inhabitants within its walls. A fortress is a serious project, if commitment and dedication are put forth, an impervious shelter will rise.
Location is the first factor one must account for when planning a zombie defense fortress. Section 1.4 provides proper instruction and guidance for a citizen to choose a suitable location for their fortress.
Only the strongest building materials will provide adequate protection from the swelling, vile hordes of the undead. These materials include concrete, brick, mortar, rebar, steel, and plywood. A fortress can be many sizes and take on many different shapes. However, certain shapes have proven themselves to be superior. An ideal fortress would be constructed with a limited fraction of the total volume above the ground, excluding the optional observation tower. Proper fortresses should also have arched concrete roofs and curved walls above the ground. The arch and dome are tried and true shapes, they are durable to all manner of energy exertion, including strong winds, flood waters, snow accumulation, and earthquakes. The reason for limiting the total above ground volume of a fortress is concealment. If a zombie cannot see or hear a fortress, it won't know it exists. Concealed fortresses also defend inhabitants from violent uninfected humans looking to steal supplies or commit other crimes.

2.5- Types of Weapons and Ammunition
Mêlée Weapons
A mêlée weapon is any weapon that does not involve a projectile. Both the user and target of the weapon are in contact with it simultaneously in normal use. Examples include whips, swords, clubs, and knives. Certain mêlée weapons are well-suited for use against zombies, others are not. A good anti-zombie mêlée weapon must possess the following qualities to ensure your safety and provide maximum damage to the enemy: LENGTH (the weapon should be longer than 60cm or 2ft), STRENGTH (the weapon should be made out of either steel, iron, aluminum, hard wood, hard plastic, carbon fiber, graphite, magnesium, titanium, or some combination of those materials in order to inflict serious damage and protect the weapon from wear and tear), HEAVINESS (the weapon should be heavy enough to incapacitate or destroy a human body, ideally it should be heavier than 3 kg (6 lbs), and lighter than 13 kg (30 lbs) in order to provide a traumatizing blow and maintain mobility.). A heavy and blunt weapon can be just as useful as a light yet sharp weapon. Blunt weapons are preferred since they reduce the chance of an infectious biological splatter affecting the person wielding the weapon. Examples of excellent blunt weapons include: a full-length metal baseball bat, a metal golf club, a large stone, a lead pipe, a cricket bat, a mallet, a sledge hammer, a goalie stick, a 2x4 plywood section, a mace, a flail, a club, a crowbar, a shovel, a staff, an axe handle, a prying bar, and a thick tree branch. Examples of excellent sharp or piercing mêlée weapons include: a broad sword, a foil, a shaolin spade, an axe, a hatchet, a machete, a steel katana, a pick-axe, a scythe, a spear, a javelin, a harpoon, and a board or club with a nail hammered into it.

Bows, Darts, and Spears
Bows, including compound, long, composite, recurve, and crossbows, are ranged weapons that shoot arrows powered by the elasticity of the bow and its string. These types of weapons are not considered effective against zombies. Arrows and darts may stop a normal, healthy human, but a zombie might not even blink if four or more arrows are shot into its chest simultaneously. These weapons are relatively inaccurate when compared with firearms, and they are difficult to use and master. It is extremely difficult to obtain a one shot/one kill effect against zombies with bows. All of these factors, coupled with the slow rate of fire in the average user's hands, makes bows, darts, and spears poor choices for zombie defense. Avoid these types of weapons unless you or a party member have mastered the art of archery.

Firearms
Suggested prior reading: "Bullets for Beginners"
A firearm is a kinetic energy mechanical device that fires either single or multiple projectiles propelled at high velocity by the gases produced by action of the rapid confined burning of a propellant. This process of rapid burning is technically known as deflagration. In older firearms, this propellant was typically black powder, but modern firearms use smokeless powder or other propellants. The term gun is often used as a synonym for firearm, but in specialist use has a restricted sense—referring only to smoothbore firearms, artillery, tank guns, and thus excluding rifles, carbines, pistols and other small firearms with rifled barrels. The smallest of all small arms is the handgun (or "sidearm"). Handguns with a single, fixed firing chamber are pistols; most pistols have a removable magazine so they can be used to fire several shots. The other most common handgun design is the revolver, which has a number of firing chambers in a revolving cylinder; each chamber in the cylinder is loaded with a single cartridge. Most modern long guns are either rifles or shotguns. Historically, a long smoothbore firearm was known as a musket. A rifle has a rifled barrel that fires single bullets, while a shotgun fires packets of shot, a single slug, a sabot, or a specialty round (tear gas, bolo, lead powder, etc.). Rifles are often built for accuracy and long range and are aimed, while shotguns are usually designed to quickly hit a moving target and are instead "pointed". Rifles have a very small impact area but a long range and high accuracy. Shotguns have a large impact area with considerably less range and accuracy. However, the larger impact area can compensate for reduced accuracy, since shot spreads during flight; consequently, in hunting, shotguns are used for flying game. A machine gun is a fully automatic firearm used almost exclusively by the military. Although not widely fielded until World War I, early machine guns were being used by the military in the late 19th century (e.g., the Gatling gun). They are primarily defensive weapons, mainly because of the difficulties involved in moving and placing them, and their inherent lack of accuracy. In contrast, light machine guns (such as the U.S. military's M249 Squad Automatic Weapon and the M60, both of which are small-caliber weapons) are often wielded by a single infantryman; they provide a high rate of fire typically used as either suppressing fire or covering fire during infantry movement. Machine guns are also often mounted on vehicles or helicopters, and have often been used since World War II as offensive weapons in fighter aircraft and tanks (e.g., for air combat or suppressing fire for ground troop support). A submachine gun is a machine gun that fires cartridges that would otherwise be used in a handgun.
Many small arms are "single shot" firearms: i.e., each time a cartridge is fired, the operator must manually recock the firearm and load another cartridge. A firearm that can load multiple cartridges as the weapon is recocked is considered a repeating weapon or simply a "repeater". A firearm that automatically recocks and reloads the next round with each trigger pull is considered a semiautomatic weapon. An automatic (or "fully automatic") weapon is one that automatically recocks, reloads, and refires as long as the trigger is depressed. Many modern military firearms have a "selective-fire" option, which is a mechanical switch that allows the weapon to be fired either in the semiautomatic or fully automatic mode. In the current M16A2 and M16A4 variants of the U.S.-made M16, continuous full-automatic fire is not possible, having been replaced by an automatic burst of three cartridges that makes full-automatic fire considerably more accurate. It is sometimes debated which is the "best" military small arm, the former Soviet Union's .30-caliber Kalishnikov AK-47 or the U.S.-manufactured .223-caliber M16: the highly reliable and inexpensive but heavy and bulky AK-47 has been widely adopted by many small countries, including many current and former Communist nations. The much lighter and far more accurate M16 (and its .223 cartridge in particular) has found wide adoption among NATO members and military allies of the United States (see: Ak-47 vs. M-16).
A bullet is a projectile shot by a gun, usually made of a metal alloy. In contrast to a shell, a bullet does not contain explosives. The term bullet refers specifically to the metal slug that is propelled from a firearm. Although the term is occasionally used to refer to the combination of bullet, case, gunpowder, and primer, such an item is properly called a cartridge. A cartridge without a bullet is called a blank.
As there are literally thousands of types of bullets and firearms, this guide will educate you about the firearms which are the most effective against zombies. The best anti-zombie firearms meet the following requirements: they must be reliable, powerful, accurate, offer semi-automatic action, and fire commonly available ammunition. Below is a list of firearms and their bullet calibers, which meet these requirements and are approved for anti-zombie use by this guide...
Asterisks denote highly recommended purchases
· Assault Rifles
· AK-101 (5.56x45mm)
· AK-102 (5.56x45mm)
· AK-103 (7.62x39mm)
· AK-104 (7.62x39mm)
· AK-105 (5.45x39mm)
· AK-107 (5.45x39mm)
· AK-108 (5.56x45mm)*
· AK-47 (7.62x39mm)*
· AK-74 (5.45x39mm)
· AKM (7.62x39mm)*
· AKMS (7.62x39mm)
· AKS-74U (5.45x39mm)
· AN-94 (5.45x39mm)
· Colt M4A1 (5.56x45mm)
· Diemaco C-7/8 (5.56x45mm)
· FN FNC (5.56x45mm)
· FN SCAR-L (5.56x45mm)
· H&K G-36/K/C (5.56x45mm)
· SA Vz.58 (7.62x39mm)
· SIG 550 (5.56x45mm)*
· SIG 551 (5.56x45mm)
· SIG 552 (5.56x45mm)
· Steyr AUG (5.56x45mm)*
· ZM LR300 (5.56x45mm)
· Bolt-Action Rifles
· Bolt-action rifles are recommended only for long range support roles.
· M-1903 Springfield (.30-06)
· Remington 700 (5.56x45mm)*
· Self-Loading Rifles
· M1 Carbine (.30 Carbine)*
· M1 Garand (.30-06)
· SKS Simonov (7.62x39mm)*
· Handguns
· Beretta 92 S/F/FS (9x19mm)
· Beretta 93R (9x19mm)
· CZ-75 (9x19mm or .40 S&W)
· Colt Anaconda (.44 Magnum)
· Colt King Cobra (.357 Magnum)
· Colt Python (.357 Magnum)
· FN Browning HP (9x19mm or .40 S&W)
· FN Forty-Nine (.40 S&W)
· Glock 17/18/19/26/34 (9x19mm)*
· H&K Mk.23 (.45 ACP)
· H&K P2000 (9x19mm)
· H&K USP (9x19mm or (.45 ACP)*
· Mauser C-96 (9x19mm)
· S&W Model 28 (.357 Magnum)
· S&W Model 610 (10mm Auto)*
· S&W Model 629 (.44 Magnum)
· Sig Sauer P226/P228/P229 (9x19mm or .40 S&W)*
· Walther P99 (9x19mm or .40 S&W)
· Sub-Machineguns
· Bizon PP-19 (9x19mm)
· H&K MP-5 A2/A3/A4/N/SD5/SD3 (9x19mm)*
· H&K MP-5K PDW Variant (9x19mm)
· H&K UMP (9x19mm, .45 ACP, or .40 S&W)*
· IMI Uzi Full/Mini (9x19mm)
· Steyr AUG Para (9x19mm)
· Steyr TMP (9x19mm)
· Thompson M1 Variant (.45 ACP)
· Walther MPL (9x19mm)
· Shotguns
· Benelli M1 Super 90 (12 Gauge)*
· Benelli M3 Super 90 (12 Gauge)
· Benelli M4/M1014 (12 Gauge)
· Benelli Nova Tactical (12 Gauge)
· DPI USAS-12 (12 Gauge)*
· FABARM SDASS (12 Gauge)
· Franchi Spas-12 (12 Gauge)*
· Franchi Spas-15 (12 Gauge)
· Ithaca Model 37 (12 Gauge)
· Mossberg 500 (12 Gauge)*
· Mossberg 590 (12 Gauge)
· Remington 11-87 (12 Gauge)
· Remington 1100 (12 Gauge)
· Remington 870 (12 Gauge)*
· Saiga 12K (12 Gauge)
· Striker "Streetsweeper" Variant (12 Gauge)*
· Winchester 1300 (12 Gauge)
· Winchester Super X2 (12 Gauge)*
· XM-26 LSS (12 Gauge)

Firearms: Training and Safety
Once each member of your party has equipped themselves with a firearm it is absolutely essential that they immediately begin training with that firearm and master its operation. Skills such as field-stripping, cleaning, repair, reloading, customization, marksmanship, and control must all be well developed in every member of a survival team. When you have found a weapon that you are comfortable with and would entrust your life to, you should purchase plenty of ammunition and spare magazines and always keep loaded magazines nearby, in a safe and secure location. Depending on state and local laws, it is suggested to keep a backup weapon such as an SMG or handgun locked up in your vehicle at all times. Always check with your local government in regards to rules applying to the purchase, possession, and storage of firearms. Firearms are extremely useful in a zompocalypse, however, a firearm in untrained hands or in the hands of a child can be just as destructive as a zombie running loose in your home; always keep weapons in a safe location and remember to remove ammunition from the chamber before putting it away.

Explosives
Explosive weaponry such as pipe-bombs, fertilizer bombs, hand grenades, rockets, missiles, landmines, shells, satchel charges, and chemical compositions such as dynamite, nitroglycerin, black powder, flash powder, cordite, ANFO, C-4, Semtex, and RDX, should be used as an extreme last resort in a zombie outbreak crisis. In most locations, these devices and chemicals are highly illegal. In every case, explosives are extremely dangerous to prepare and use. The firing of an explosive weapon (if properly constructed) will almost always create a very loud sound and produce a bright flash and/or highly visible smoke, all of these products of an explosion will draw the attention of zombies for great distances around the location of the blast. Thus, it is highly recommended to AVOID USING EXPLOSIVE WEAPONRY in almost all zombie outbreak scenarios. The following section will educate the reader about the physics and chemistry of explosions, their hazards, and their potential uses.
An explosion is a sudden increase in volume and release of energy in a violent manner, usually with the generation of high temperatures and the release of gases. An explosion causes pressure waves in the local medium in which it occurs. Explosions are categorized as deflagrations if these waves are subsonic and detonations if they are supersonic (shock waves). Explosions are common in nature. On Earth, most natural explosions arise from volcanic processes of various sorts. Most common artificial explosives are chemical explosives, usually involving a rapid and violent oxidation reaction that produces large amounts of hot gas. Gunpowder was the first explosive to be discovered and put to use. Other notable early developments in chemical explosive technology were Abel's invention of nitrocellulose (guncotton) in 1865 and Alfred Nobel's invention of dynamite (stabilized nitroglycerin).
Explosives are classified as low or high explosives according to their rates of decomposition. Low explosives burn rapidly (or deflagrate). High explosives undergo detonation. There is no sharp line of demarcation between low and high explosives, due to the difficulties inherent in precisely observing and measuring rapid decomposition. The chemical decomposition of an explosive may take years, days, hours, or a fraction of a second. The slower forms of decomposition take place in storage and are of interest only from a stability standpoint. Of more interest are the two rapid forms of decomposition, burning and detonation. The term "detonation" is used to describe an explosive phenomenon whereby the decomposition is propagated by the explosive shockwave penetrating the explosive material. The shockwave front is capable of passing through the high explosive material at massive speeds. Explosive force is released at 90 degree angles from the surface of an explosive. If the surface is cut or shaped the explosive forces can be focused directionally, and will produce a greater effect. This is known as a shaped charge. In a low explosive, the decomposition is propagated by a flame front which travels much slower through the explosive material. The properties of the explosive indicate the class into which it falls. In some cases explosives may be made to fall into either class by the conditions under which they are initiated. Almost all low explosives can undergo true detonation like high explosives in sufficiently massive quantities. For convenience, low and high explosives may be differentiated by the following shipping and storage classes.
· 1.1 Mass Explosion Hazard
· 1.2 Nonmass explosion, fragment-producing
· 1.3 Mass fire, minor blast or fragment hazard
· 1.4 Moderate fire, no blast or fragment: consumer fireworks are 1.4G or 1.4S
· 1.5 Explosive substance, very insensitive (with a mass explosion hazard)
· 1.6 Explosive article, extremely insensitive
· A Primary explosive substance (1.1A, 1.2A)
· B An article containing a primary explosive substance and not containing two or more effective protective features. Some articles, such as detonator assemblies for blasting and primers, cap-type, are included. (1.1B, 1.2B, 1.4B)
· C Propellant explosive substance or other deflagrating explosive substance or article containing such explosive substance (1.1C, 1.2C, 1.3C, 1.4C)
· D Secondary detonating explosive substance or black powder or article containing a secondary detonating explosive substance, in each case without means of initiation and without a propelling charge, or article containing a primary explosive substance and containing two or more effective protective features. (1.1D, 1.2D, 1.4D, 1.5D)
· E Article containing a secondary detonating explosive substance without means of initiation, with a propelling charge (other than one containing flammable liquid, gel or hypergolic liquid) (1.1E, 1.2E, 1.4E)
· F Article containing a secondary detonating explosive substance with its means of initiation, with a propelling charge (other than one containing flammable liquid, gel or hypergolic liquid) or without a propelling charge (1.1F, 1.2F, 1.3F, 1.4F)
· G Pyrotechnic substance or article containing a pyrotechnic substance, or article containing both an explosive substance and an illuminating, incendiary, tear-producing or smoke-producing substance (other than a water-activated article or one containing white phosphorus, phosphide or flammable liquid or gel or hypergolic liquid) (1.1G, 1.2G, 1.3G, 1.4G)
· H Article containing both an explosive substance and white phosphorus (1.2H, 1.3H)
· J Article containing both an explosive substance and flammable liquid or gel (1.1J, 1.2J, 1.3J)
· K Article containing both an explosive substance and a toxic chemical agent (1.2K, 1.3K)
· L Explosive substance or article containing an explosive substance and presenting a special risk (e.g., due to water-activation or presence of hypergolic liquids, phosphides or pyrophoric substances) needing isolation of each type (1.1L, 1.2L, 1.3L)
· N Articles containing only extremely insensitive detonating substances (1.6N)
· S Substance or article so packed or designed that any hazardous effects arising from accidental functioning are limited to the extent that they do not significantly hinder or prohibit fire fighting or other emergency response efforts in the immediate vicinity of the package (1.4S)
This section is currently under construction, more information will be added soon...

HowTo: Survive a Zombie Outbreak

HowTo: Survive a Zombie Outbreak
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

What is a Zombie?

There are multiple definitions of the word zombie. The dictionary defines zombie as "an animated corpse that feeds on living flesh." Other sources define zombie as "One who moves or acts as if in a daze" or "a member of Congress" or "a Voodoo snake god." While snake gods are interesting, this how-to article will deal with only the first and second definitions of zombie. While Chavs were once thought to be zombies it has been recently proven that it is not the case. It would be an insult to zombies if they were even contemplated to be in the same category as Chavs. Such contemplators were subsequently eaten.

Evaluating A Zombie

Some Zombies are more vulnerable to fire than others. The easiest and fastest way to check is a simple test with a burning stick. Make sure to comply with safety guidelines when dealing with fire.
There are a plethora of zombie varieties and each type has different strengths and weaknesses you should be aware of should you want to live. It is rare for any two zombie invasions to be exactly the same so even if you have survived one, do not arrogantly assume a second will be the same. The key here is observation. Around 80 to 90 percent of all zombie invasions are preceded by the scattered appearance of lone zombies. It is extremely rare for a whole horde to appear without warning. These zombie forerunners are your chance to study the enemy. Remember that the media will always fail to take the threat seriously and will downplay the appearances as some freaky disease, alien invasion, Muslim terrorism, food poisoning etc. DO NOT LOWER YOUR GUARD. Gather some friends, check the weaponry section below, and seek lone zombies in dark, creepy areas.

Zombie Psychology
There are two main brands of zombie in respect to how they gather. Some varieties gather in great hordes and move down the streets blatantly. The other option is zombies who are generally found alone or in small groups and hide inside buildings.
Horde zombies are much harder to combat effectively, requiring much more potent weaponry to approach with confidence, but are easier to flee and avoid. Horde zombies tend to be less intelligent than the more hermit like breeds. Most zombies move slowly, with awkward gaits, but this is especially true of hordes. Fast zombies are unable to remain in a cohesive horde and quickly break apart into hunter packs. Hordes should not be faced aggressively. Only attack with a solid escape plan in place, and even then only attack if you have massive weaponry. The recommended tactic is to use tall buildings and any news reports that manage to broadcast during the invasion to keep tabs on the horde's location. However, if you notice a piece of flesh fall off the anchorperson's face, ignore anything they have to say about how to avoid the zombies. Stay ahead of the horde and flee quickly. Stay out of the zombies' sight and leave some space between you and them. Most hordes include a few zombies wandering off a bit on their own. These loners may raise an alarm before you can deal with them, drawing the horde to you. When fleeing a horde, silence is key; favor melee weapons and fleeing to conventional combat. If you can get away from the city, do not stop in the suburbs. Though initially zombie free, suburbs will draw smaller packs from the main zombie horde. You must choose from two final destinations: government shelters and the wilderness. Government shelters have the advantage of armored exteriors, food stores, and military defense...however, if the horde seems like it may succeed in wiping out civilization they are a poor choice, especially given recent budget cuts. To limit infiltration points, such bases have few entrances, and thus escaping a massed zombie attack will be impossible. The wilderness is not very habitable to zombies and is only rarely invaded. The exception to this rule is swampland which should be circumvented if encountered. Zombies' slow gaits and clumsy movements make it especially hard for them to travel over unpaved ground. They ARE easy prey for most predators, but this result in zombified animals. However, in the wilderness, it is easier for fungi and bacteria to break the zombies down. The only problem with a wilderness destination is YOUR ability to survive there. Print off a wilderness survival guide before fleeing and look for high ground.


An example of a fat zombie randomly exploding like usual. May be Sulfuric acid.
While they move with a slower gait than normal Horde Zombies, Fat Zombies are a formidable foe. For some reason unknown to science today, the transition from "Fat Person" to "Fat Zombie" gives Super Strength - some would say it borders on Uber Strength - and an unchallenged resistance to bullets and rockets. In some cases they have been known to explode when shot, causing anyone in a large radius around them to be burned with acid, so you had best keep that in mind. You had best hope to some kind of deity that when you encounter Fat Zombies that you're either a good distance away and/or you have some team-mates with you. At the beginning of the Zombie Outbreak automatically assess your team and flag the most useless member - keep this member with you at all times because he/she are an invaluable tool against Fat Zombies. Even though the Zombification changes their strength, the Fat Zombie's gluttony stays exactly the same so if you were to throw this team-member at them, they will stop following you and gorge. WHATEVER YOU DO - do NOT throw a fat person at them as that will just make another Fat Zombie you need to deal with later. Rather, shoot the fat person before they become infected and make sure their body is in a non-zombifiable state - ie. pieces. When you are a reasonable distance away from a Fat Zombie, you get your team to focus fire on that one zombie, hopefully shooting off its legs before it's close enough to do you any damage. Conventional Zombie killing tactics are not as effective against fat zombies! To render one to an almost completely harmless state, you must shoot off all extremities - Arms, Legs and Head. Suggested weapons are very VERY powerful sniper rifles, rockets and chainsaws. Please note that if you are close enough to use a chainsaw, you are likely about to die so think happy thoughts.
Camper zombies, zombies who hide and wait for prey, are the other common type. Campers hide in darkened corridors, side rooms, and even in the drywall. They prefer to wait for their prey to come near and then burst out and seize the victim. When dealing with campers, a smart survivor favors lighter weaponry that can be used safely at short range. One very effective but rarely used tactic is to keep a dog with you. Zombies are surprisingly adept at hiding despite their dim wits, but canines easily detect the rotting odor that emanates from their hiding places. When facing camper zombies, move slowly and keep a sharp eye on your surroundings for hints of an upcoming attack. Clues include a rank smell, eerie music, and long periods without zombies. If traveling in a group it's not a bad idea to hole up in a room for rest as long as two people are awake at all times to ensure the guard does not fall asleep. Open areas and wallhack cheats are your friends when facing campers. Do not split up to look for this type of zombie, as it is almost guaranteed the least important of your group will be taken by the zombie and added to its ranks.
Fast Zombies are some of your most dreaded enemies when facing legions of the undead. Fast Zombies can vary in many ways, but the main item is that their entire physique and the way they are built, is to strike fast. Most of the time the Fast Zombies are very skinny as opposed to their horde friends and as a consequence, much less tough - but don't let this fool you. Their most prized weapon is surprising the shit out of you (there are sometimes Fast Zombies that decide to become Camper Zombies for the day) by jumping out of an existing horde, or off a rooftop directly to your right. The best way to take out a Fast Zombie is by rapid-fire, scatter fire, or a *VERY* well timed melee attack. The reason for this being that they move up to you so fast that if you use a single "Ok I've fired a bullet, now there is a 5 second reload time" and you miss - you're boned. This end Shotguns are very useful because if you don't hit them while they're bearing down on you (well if you cannot hit something with a shotgun then you probably deserve to be a zombie anyway) then you still have a very heavy thing to hit them with.Remember, when you see a cloud of zombies which seems too much of a simple target, it probably is. Keep a loaded shotgun nearby, and watch the rooftops - Most of the time the horde is very one minded following the "kill eat kill" mantra, but sometimes "Smart Zombies" co-ordinate them so the Fast Zombies and the Horde Zombies work together. Please see below for advice on Smart Zombies.
When you know a Smart Zombie is around, the best thing you can do is RUN YOUR ASS OFF! Smart Zombies are way too smart and if there's one around, then there's likely lots of Zombies surrounding you at that very moment. Smart Zombies are VERY rare, and as such are revered by the other zombies as gods. Surrounding Zombies become slightly stronger, faster and smarter by the aura of the Smart Zombie. The reason that Smart Zombies are something you don't want to encounter is that they co-ordinate the other zombies to attack, not just wander around, but ATTACK. Suggested methods of confronting a Smart Zombie include: Don't - Nuclear weapons serve best here or Cheese.
One highly unlikely way to kill a smart zombie is use a sniper rifle (.30 cal is good because of common ammo but you can't any farther then 500m for a one shot kill) as stated in the side note .30 cal rifles are good but for safety and absolute insurance that the Smart Zombie is dead .50 cal or even greater caliber rifles any such exist are best because of their range and power.
Sewer Zombies like to spend all their time in sewers and in drain areas, they are afraid of light so bring a flashlight with you if you ever happen to go in a sewer, which you probably won't. If you stay away from sewers you'll be pretty safe, unless if one pulls you down when your on the toilet.
Method of Transmission
A major part of classifying a zombie comes from how they spread the zombie virus. Method of transmission can range from a scratch to acid spit and of course anything that has had contact with the undead. While the most common type of zombie generally only can bite you to infect you, you will want to capture a zombie or watch someone on TV who has.
Intelligence Level
Zombies are as a rule dumb as hell (excluding the rare Smart Zombie), especially if you live in the Deep South. There are rare exceptions in which zombies learn not to walk on land mines or that electrocution will put them down for good. If you encounter these zombies, then pray to God you took Garry Kasparov(or better yet Deep Blue) into your hideout, you're going to need someone smart to stay alive.
Preparation
Preparation is essential for surviving a Zombie Outbreak, outlined below are the steps that should be followed to prepare for a potential zombie attack:
Things To Consider
The type of Zombie You Face
Weaponry
Your Placement/Movement
Nearness to a source of fire

Weapon Options
Chainsaw- Most of all Resident Evil or horror films and countless Hollywood scenes show the awesome power of the chainsaw. As cool as it is though, it ranks very low on the practical zombie-killing weapon list. The lightest chainsaw recorded was 1,500 pounds and it won't do you very good carrying that VERY heavy object around, while running from a crowd of pale-skinned freaks intent on eating you. Will it? Didn't think so. Chainsaws are freakin' hard to control, so you might be trying to behead a zombie but you can't guarantee it won't turn on you and slice your own damn head off in the process. In addition, once the fuel runs out, it's as useful as an over-sized radio. Finally, if you do manage to get used to the weight and how to kill zombies with it, it will only do good against 1-to-8 zombies, not a WHOLE FREAKIN MASS CROWD because as soon as you use it on those few 8 zombies, the roar will attract A LOT of zombies from miles around, rendering the chainsaw a veritable lunch bell. Unless you can do an indefinite spinning attack with your chainsaw. Also Chainsaws need gass, imagine how much it costs to kill only 12 zombies? If said Chainsaw is rusty...+10 ATTACK POWER
Slingshot- It wouldn't be the wisest of choices. Although it's fast and efficient, what it lacks is punch. Using it against a zombie will only alert it to your presence, stupid. Unless you throw a bomb with it.
Swords or knives with jagged edges- Imagine using that sword to kill a crowd of zombies and you stab some zombie through the skull in the brain. Now imagine you turn to the zombie behind you to do the same, only to realize that it's stuck on the first zombie that you stabbed and you can't seem to get it back.......not a pretty picture, is it? So use one without a serrated edge. Unless you are a skilled fencer, this is an inadvisable choice.
Guns-
pistol: short range, small clip, only use on small groups, otherwise you are dead (or undead).
sub-machine gun: worst gun on zombies, why do you think that the "elite" military group in all zombie movies die first?
Rifle: okay, but only at long range, and only if you can get consistent headshots.
Assault Rifle: Much better, make sure to reload often though, that full auto will dry out that ammo at all the wrong times.
Shotgun: the best weapon for zombies, there buck shots will blow off the heads of several zombies, the person who is carrying a shotgun will survive all zombie outbreaks.
Large minigun: will kill a lot of zombies, though whoever is using it will die eventually
BFG: This Big Fucking Gun will incinerate all zombies in the general area, and is colorful. Note: not invented till 2130 A.D., sorry.
Rubber Ducky- ....not sure if that is the best idea, but just remember it's your funeral JOINING OF THE LEGIONS OF THE UNDEAD. So if you REALLY want to use it and see what happens, by all means go ahead (dumbass).
Blunt weapons- Using a baseball bat, cricket bat, or a sledgehammer is one of the most effective way to kill a zombie because you can use it over and over again, it does not get stuck to zombies, it is quiet, fun and it is easy to carry.
Crowbar- This is considered by many veteran zombie hunters as the ultimate melee weapon against zombies thus earning it a separate mention from its closest classification Blunt weapons. It's a simple weapon to use but to master it requires almost divine help. One such man who has mastered this weapon is the legendary Dr. Gordon Freeman who is quoted "zombies, zombines, supply boxes, civil protection... the crowbar works against anything."
Weed Whacker- Insert into the mouth and let the fun begin (not usable for groups, will become the zombies "fun")!
Flame Thrower- A flame thrower is relatively inexpensive to put together and fairly cheap to run (except in the UK where we get screwed on everything) and is capable of destroying MASSES of zombies! Not only will you catch the majority of them on fire, they will then touch other zombies setting them on fire! The only downside to a flamethrower would be the presence of the "Smart Zombie" who would utilize his burning comrades to effectively, create a massive Zombie Fireball capable of a whole mess of destruction. Forget that the zombie survival guide said that it sucks, it is really cool except for the fuel tank part. Use only on smaller hordes, or lone zombies if you fancy a cheap laugh. One other thing it consider is "Is my building/shelter/etc... fireproof or at least fire resistant?" As given the level of intelligence of a zombie one flaming zombie may set light to your fortress.
Cleaver- Although cool and scary looking, it is completely ineffective, so if you run at a zombie thinking you'll create chaos, you look like a dope. So spare us the stupidity and just go with something more realistic-like a rake or a blunt weapon.
Your Mum Keeping them occupied could provide vital seconds of running away, besides, it's not like anyone's gonna need her anymore are they? especially effective if she's got std's ( which she does, sorry to break it to you like this ) why?? think about it....
Zombie Survival Kit
The first and arguably most important step in surviving a zombie outbreak is to create a Zombie Survival Kit (ZSK) which will at least give you a chance of living through the hellish, and moan filled nightmare of a zombie attack. ZSKs come in a variety of different sorts, from the advanced Mass Zombie Extermination kit to the Save Yourself And No One Else kit, and are available from your local supermarket or hardware store. You can also use the much reliable Zombie Survival Guide that can be found at any local Barnes n Noble. This section though, will deal with the steps taken to create your own Household Survival Kit out of the following easy to acquire items.
The first item to acquire is one of self defense; a shotgun. Shotguns (preferably pump-action) are frequently used in Zombie Survival situations as their signature explosive sound and large blast radius can easily stop, or at least slow down, the advancing zombies in their shambling tracks, giving you that much needed extra time to make your way to your Zombie Shelter (discussed further on). Shotguns can be easily acquired by entering the police force or army, "borrowing" a shotgun and then leaving.


Maul.
The second item is a Club, Staff, or in fact any blunt weapon, such as a mace, as they infer a +50% damage to Undead, which comes in handy when your shotgun is out of ammunition or otherwise unusable. It is suggested that you acquire a 6 socketed Maul and fill it with perfect Diamonds, as they add extra Undead damage. Note that a maul will require 50 strength and 50 attack to use and is two-handed, but it will give its wielder the power to easily crush any Zombies who may penetrate their Zombie Shelter with crushing efficiency, which any healthy zombie-hating (living) person will enjoy. Charsi, in the Rogue Encampment, sells Mauls for a reasonable price, they may also be found by killing the minions of hell. See Club Index for more information.
The third item to acquire is a stock of Human Brains; these come in handy when you wish to escape a concentrated Zombie Cloud (term used to describe a pack of zombies). The art of Brain Tossing is a long and honored one, with roots going back to the Olympic Games in Ancient Canada and will not be discussed in any great detail here, save for three of the basic techniques:


Tossing.
1. The underarm throw; the brain is grasped firmly in the preferred hand, with the other hand pointing in the direction you wish the Zombie Cloud to go, the body is also angled in this direction. Once this position has been achieved simply step forward with the leg that is positioned to the rear while bringing the brain hand forward in a rapid motion, releasing the brain at a suitable position. If done correctly the brain will fly straight and true, thus distracting the zombies.When tossing a brain, make sure you "show" the brain to the zombies, A thrown brain is useless if it's not seen by zombies.
2. The over arm throw; uses the same basic principles as the underarm throw except the brain is held in a position above and behind the shoulder and the throwing arc angles upwards rather than down, the over arm throw can also fling the brain a greater distance and with greater force.
3. The brain-ball; the brain is grasped in the hand and is thrown towards the ground at an approximately 45° angle, the intent being to use the brain’s natural spring to propel it over the heads of the oncoming zombies. If you have ever seen or played a game of Hand Ball you will be already have a good idea of the physics and theories behind Brain Balling.
Brains can be easily acquired from the recently/soon to be deceased and in the garbage bins of Evil Geniuses. If you are unable to acquire a brain this way Spam can be used as a substitute, as Spam is made using the brains of the homeless, door-to-door salesmen and American Presidents.
The fourth item to acquire is the ever-useful fire extinguisher; as it is a known fact that whenever a zombie outbreak occurs the surrounding area is covered in spontaneous fires and, in some cases, cheap spark effects. Fire extinguishers can be easily bought at a local hardware store or “borrowed” from a local hospital, preferable while in the process of lighting a fire there, as one of the primary zombie outbreak sources are hospitals (more on this phenomena later).
The fifth item is Doom 3; Doom 3 is an excellent zombie/demon killing simulation that will give the prospective Zombie Invadee (the term given to the sufferers of a Zombie Outbreak/Invasion) some much needed zombie killing experience. It is recommended that the simulation is run at midnight when there is no moon, with all the lights turned out, and the bass turned up full. Doom 3 can be acquired from your local Games store, (see Life Simulation) or from the endless pits of hell, located somewhere in the DMV.
The Sixth item is a Storm Survival kit; a Storm Survival kit contains all the useful items that you will need to survive once the endless clouds of zombies have been destroyed. It includes such items as batteries, bandages, saws and, in the better kits, an intergalactic space ship capable of moving you, and the other survivors to a more hospitable and zombie-free planet. Storm Survival kits can be found at your local hardware store and crack den, caution when purchasing a kit from a supermarket, as supermarkets are known to attract zombies in large numbers. The Storm Survival kit can also be substituted by the Garden of Eden Creation Kit (G.E.C.K.).
The Seventh item is Healing Magic; it is common knowledge that healing- or holy-based magic is very effective against all manner of Undead. The theory of how this works is as follows: When used on living tissue the Healing Magic causes the body to rapidly close any wounds and repair itself, in a similar manner to the way a body would normally heal itself. When Healing Magic is used on undead tissue though the effects are quite different as only the living have bodies capable of healing themselves the normal way, the undead or zombie cells become hyper-agitated and literally tear themselves apart, often giving the illusion of dance (see Disco Fever). Healing Magic can be found at almost any good church or place of holy worship. If you are unable to master the art of healing, then Holy Water, Potion, Hi-Potion and Phoenix Down, among others may be used as a substitute. These may be purchased at any Pharmasave or Lawtons
The Eighth item is a 10 Pack of Condoms; Condoms are one of the most useful items ever created in the history of the universe. They have many uses, from being an effective aphrodisiac to a strong container, capable of holding many brains securely. The primary use of condoms in a zombie outbreak survival situation is to hold Holy Water, or to wear over the head as an amusing party trick. The more condoms used up, the better, as the less you have after the Undead have been defeated by your local silver surfer/superhero/Chuck Norris/Microscopic-Air-Born-Diseases-Capable-of-Crippling-Alien-Invasions-And-Wiping-Out-Zombie-Attacks the faster you will be able to start repopulating the human race. Condoms can be found lying around school yards and maximum security prisons; alternatively, a less hygienic variety can be found in your local store.
The extra ninth item is electric barrier equipment for yourself. This will prevent zombies from biting, punching, or stabbing you (and thus make you immune to zombification) by frying them with an electric current, which is one of the only ways to kill certain zombies. This will also prevent them from eating your corpse if they kill you.
How You Should Move
Escape Strategy
Run! (Silently, though) That's all there is to it. If you don't run, expect to be eaten alive by your former friends and neighbors. If you use a car it WILL be totalled. No matter where, how fast or what you are driving you will wreck it causing needless pain for all involved.
Sit Tight and Wait it out
Possibly the smartest thing you could do is sit tight, watch your favorite soap opera, eat everything you have in the kitchen and try to ignore the never ending pounding on the walls, doors, windows and some shrieks and slaughtering sounds coming from the outside.
The best way to pull this off is to have an impenetrable fortress with untiring robot guards (especially like the Servos in The Sims 2) manning the machine gun, rocket launcher, etc. turrets, however this may not be wise in case of a robot takeover.
Possible problems with this approach:
You will run out of food, before the zombies do because YOU are THEIR food, foo'.
TV shows will stop broadcasting because everyone is too busy being consumed.
The zombies broke through the walls/doors/windows.
Power shuts off and robots stop moving.
You die of old age or from the old lady from down the street.
Where And Who Are They?
The ZSG can be found in all good pubs, nightclubs or zombie infested streets. They are usually identifiable by their completely contrasting clothing and personalities. If you ever find yourself asking the question: 'How did this group of whacko’s and sped’s ever come together?' Then it is usually a ZSG.
They can appear in many forms, some examples are as follows;
The Leader (AKA; You): Generally good looking and makes all decisions. Usually gets close to leading lady. May or may not make it out alive and if he doesn't he usually dies nobly for the greater good of the group. This is usually accompanied by a sad violin score in the background. We can however assume that this music would attract more zombies to the poor hero, so promptly execute any violin players in the neighborhood, this should be a routine operation carried out every fortnight.
Leading Lady (AKA; You, if applicable): Good looking, usually a capable fighter when she needs to be. She spends most of the zombie attack looking afraid, screaming and flirting with the leader. She will usually go off on her own at least once and get attacked and/or kidnapped only to be saved in the nick of time by the efforts and clever plans of the Leader (Note: this is usually a clever scheme put together by the Leader in order to advance the chances of survival after the Outbreak is over, specifically the repopulation of humanity.)
Tough Guy (AKA; Me): Usually an ex soldier/freedom fighter who is very capable with multiple firearms and blunt weapons. Usually teaches the group basic survival techniques during early stage of zombie outbreak and more than often gets the first kill of the venture (though it is not unknown for the Leader to beat him to the punch on occasions). He will more than likely die in Middle to Late stages of the zombie attack usually against wave after wave of zombies so that the rest of the group can escape the sewers/ shopping mall/ anywhere there's a lot of zombies (see Outbreak Causes and Zombie Cloud Hotspots). He may or may not come back later as a zombie, it is therefore usually a wise move to crush his already horribly mangled corpse with your Maul, thus destroying any chance of this event occurring.
Computer Wiz: Intelligent yet weedy individual whose miserable kill level will be only beaten by that of the leading lady. He's usually unarmed out of principal though may carry a pistol or blunt object for defense (such a laptop, old mobile phone or Tactical Nuke Launcher). He will usually leave the group as soon as a secret government supercomputer is found so he can direct the rest of the team to various locations in order to help their escape. He is usually killed by zombies bursting into where he's working and is common for him to scream down the microphone to the rest of his group to save him, this is not recommended as it can lead to death of the Leader and Leading Lady, which would severely cut back the chances of repopulating humanity.
Grunt: A ZSG sometimes will make use of Grunts; they are generally freedom fighters or soldiers. Their only real use is to act as meat shields for the rest of the group, before becoming zombies themselves. They usually carry wildly inaccurate assault rifles and a plethora of grenades. They can occasionally have a good idea or two, but it is important not to listen to them too closely, because they're going to die soon anyway... It is recommended that they are limited to five, as they will all die during the early stages of the Outbreak and rise again as slightly smarter-than-normal zombies. If you manage to kill a Grunt, the weapon they carry is guaranteed to be jammed and be of no use to you, as shown by the Zombie Outbreak simulator System Shock 2.
Black guy who dies: Pretty self-explanatory. MUST be black and a male. Usually dies toward the climax. Mediocre fighting skills but excels at playing basketball. Usually the first one through the door into the creepy room when exploring.
The Crazy Lady: This character is the one trying to convince everyone that they are all doomed, and she will probably be sacrificed in the end at the last depressing/screaming filled point of loss and where it is obvious the military isn't coming and the whole world will be taken over.
How To Recruit
It is fairly simple to recruit a ZSG group, simply approach appropriate members and bind them to you using satanic blood rituals and human sacrifice (Note: this usually leads to a Zombie Outbreak) or your natural charisma and leadership skills, which you can purchase for a small fee off eBay.
People that are Accually useful
Rednecks: They often have shotguns, and are really pissed at the zombies, so they will fight well, just do not listen to any of there ideas, listen to Jeff Foxworthy and you will know what I mean.
Black Gangsters: Good in a fight, and are great at "finding" supplies, just do not say "You people" around them, they will not be happy about that.
Horny teenage girls: Hay, you will need to repopulate the world, why not use people more willing and fertile.
Scientist: He will hopefully discover a cure to the zombie plague. If not, he can be a good meat shield.
People to avoid
Crazy over religius people: will say this is the end of the world, its gods work, we must die, and will turn a good deal of the people against you.
"Military People": they know jack shit about fighting Zombies, will force you to move from your hiding place, and to a "safe location" (already overrun by zombies. May call a A-Bomb to be dropped by your postion to stop the zombie plague.
Anyone bitten: they will turn into a zombie.
Constructing A Zombie-Proof Shelter
Theory
A Zombie-Proof Shelter, or Zombie Shelter (ZS) is similar to a Bomb-Proof Shelter in that it is designed to give its residents protection against the outside world and syphilis. While Bomb Shelter’s work on the principle of W=Nb+Nd (Walls = No Bomb + No Death) Zombie Shelter’s work on a slightly different method, that method being W+N+F=Nu+Nd (Wall + Napalm + Fire = No Undead + No Death).
Shelter Types
The basic ZS is a small 5m x 5m x 5m cube constructed of pure unadalterated WIN, reinforced by a solid 10m deep foundation made out of a single piece of diamond. The cube is surrounded by a lake of napalm that, when required, can be lit on fire to prevent the legions of the damned from eating your brain. Other shelters range from the massive zombie-proof mansions of southern Switzerland to the Neverland Ranch theme park created by legendary Zombie Hunter Ozzy Osbourne. Whatever your budget, there is always an affordable and effective Zombie-Proof Shelter available.
Shelter Construction
This guide will focus on the method of Zombie-Proof Shelter construction. If all the steps are followed, a shelter with a high level of Zombie-Repulsion and Disattraction should be easily attained. Before the exact steps are discussed, a list of required materials will be given:
Materials
6 sheets of high quality titanium, at least 40cm thick and 5m x 5m in dimension.
3 sheets of diamond, 50cm x 50cm in dimension and 10cm thick.
1 bulkhead door, made out of titanium.
1 10m x 10m x 10m cube of solid diamond.
1000+ litres of napalm.
4 LED (Life Emitting Diode) Flood Lights.
Cement.
Titanium mesh.
Automated flamethrower turret. A good point of reference for the design of said turret would be Red Alert 1.
Condoms, always carry protection, no matter what the emergency.
Duct Tape
Steps
1. Dig a large hole in the ground, approximately 11m deep by 11m wide.
2. Place your diamond cube in the hole, filling the gaps around the side with high quality cement and strong titanium mesh.
3. Rivet one of the titanium sheets down to the centre of the diamond cube; this will act as the floor.
4. Take 4 of the remaining titanium sheets; with 3 of them you need to install the sheets of diamond, which will act as windows. In the 4th, you will need to install the bulkhead.
5. Attach the 4 titanium sheets mentioned above to the floor; they will act as walls.
6. To the one remaining sheet, attach the flamethrower turret.
7. Attach the remaining sheet to the top of the shelter; it will act as a roof.
8. Attach the LED Flood Lights to the four corners of the roof; they will act as a deterrent to any zombie that survives the moat of fire.
9. Dig out a deep trench surrounding your impenetrable zombie cube and fill it with the napalm; if you need more napalm, now would be the time to acquire it.
10. Bring books, pot, condoms, & women for you WILL get bored!
Note: Condoms have various uses such as for storing ammunition, food, cool hats, and it's main use of safe lewd pleasures. Bring as many as you can; same goes for women.
Operation
It is fairly simple to operate your ZS, simply shut yourself in and hope for the best. The LED Flood Lights will emit light in a spectrum that zombies find repellent, and over a long length of time the Healing Magic Effect can occur. The napalm works on the principle of Z=F (Zombies = Flammable) and Fl+N+F=Pd (Flammable + Napalm + Fire = Permanent Death), which, in short, means that whenever a zombie is detected by the automated turret, it will fire into the napalm, igniting it and any zombies that happen to be nearby. It is HIGHLY recommended to bring 5 to 10 500. Napalm tanks for refill on the pools. These can be placed on the surface of the main underground shelter.
It is recommended that you stock your ZS with all the requirements, such as food, water and a large flat screen TV, with cable. As your stay can be long, it is suggested that large amounts of these items be stockpiled.
Closing
Those are the basic steps on how to create a single person ZS, for each additional person add double the materials. If you do not wish to create your own shelter, it is possible to purchase one from your local Sanitarium, or order one online from one of many retailers.
Quotes
“Yes, well we have been holed up here for the past 3 weeks, and so far nothing has gotten in, however we did find one critical flaw in the shelter after the first day... NAPALM DISAPPEARS WHEN ITS BURNT, we felt all secure in the shelter, with the thought that we had napalm around us... but then the first wave of zombies came at us, we were a little scared as we were not sure of the shelters capabilities at that point.... but once the turret went into action.... The sky lit up and the air was filled with the smell of burning dead, all of us in the shelter rejoiced at the smell..... But a few hours later we noticed the napalm moat was still burning, and was diminishing rapidly, and with no way to put out the blaze it was gone by the next morning, and aside from the loss of the primary defense system, the temperature inside the shelter got so high, that several of us died from heat stroke, and fearful of the thought of zombies in the shelter, we threw them outside quickly. But, aside from that massive design flaw, the shelter works extremely well, the titanium walls have yet to be breached and all though the turret is nearly out of fuel, much like the moat, it continues to set alight many waves of the undead. ”
~ Outbreak Survivor on Build-It-Yourself Zombie Shelter
“I made mine out of WIN...i was fine ”
~ me on my win
Levels of Outbreak
The official report outlines for classification levels of outbreak. They range in seriousness, location, and number of zombies involved. These levels are:
Class One. Class One is the least serious outbreak. It usually takes place on a small area of the skin (near the groin), and involves no more than twenty-five zombie growths. It usually lasts no more than two weeks. The best way to defend against a class one outbreak is to stay calm, find a nearby comfortable area, and wait for the painkillers to kick in. Use appropriate salves to help reduce swelling.
Class Two. Class Two outbreaks involve more than a hundred zombies, but may not last longer than a class one outbreak. The larger number of zombies may provoke a swifter response from the body's defense system. If you find yourself in the middle of a class two outbreak, it is advised that you leave the general area of infection alone until the infestation is over. Zombies are highly contagious and you may spread the infection to other areas of your body simply by touch.
Class Three. Class Three is a very dangerous, very deadly outbreak. Zombies will number in the thousands and spread out from the groin over hundreds of square inches. In addition to the threat posed by the living dead, the mass chaos and breakdown of law and order caused by your scarred visage is likely to claim additional lives. It is recommended you not try to approach any girls during this time.
Class Four. Class Four outbreaks involve total undead domination of the body. In this scenario, the undead outnumber the living by vast amounts. Governments break down and people are left to survive on their own. Billions die...or just turn into zombies.
Class Five. If you are a human... you're probably the only one left. The only thing you can possibly do is wait it out. I hope you got a lot of food... you're gonna need it. If you have the opportunity, get a boat and get about a hundred meters off shore, and bring a fishing rod. if you manage to catch a fish, kill it and throw it out to sea. The smell of blood will attract all the zombies in the nearest 10 miles. And as we all know, zombies can't swim. So now you can have a good time laughing at them before you shoot yourself in the head and join the bastards. The smell of blood will attract even more zombies. A class five outbreak will only happen one time. Zombies win.
Class X.YOUR HEAD A`SPLODE!!!!!!!!
Outbreak Causes
Evil Geniuses
These super smart, super evil scientists spend their days in oversized laboratories, trying to create some kind of super evil thing. Somehow, they are never able to complete the thing, and in the process of attempting to create the the thing, some kind of evil toxin, fungus, or other substance which can cause people to mutate into zombies is released. Normally, the zombies are coworkers of the evil geniuses, and are trapped in the secret underground facility until some moron tries to find out what happened down there. They unwittingly release the zombies, and become one in the process. The zombies then go on a rampage against the unsuspecting citizens of a conveniently placed nearby town.
Government Labs
Similar to evil geniuses, government labs are where some military-designed virus escapes and everything goes horribly wrong. The government will deny these claims and will attempt to cover the incident up and quarantine infected areas. The quarantines always fail. See effects of evil geniuses.
Hospitals
Hospitals are world renowned for their ability to save lives, and charge way too much to do it. But sometimes, things go horribly wrong. Sometimes the doctors will give a patient the wrong dose of chemotherapy, which will cause it to go away for a week or so. The person goes home seemingly healed...then the cancer comes back, mutated to cause zombification. When this happens, the closest people to the new zombie will be eaten in their sleep, and they will become zombies in a matter of seconds due to the mutated zombie cancer. Thus the outbreak begins.
Voodoo Curse
Some curse used by a powerful shaman causes a recently-dead person to rise from there grave and do the bidding of said shaman. Zombie powder is used to bring the dead back to life at the zombification ritual. There is usually very few of these zombies in an outbreak, as it would take forever for a shaman to create so many zombies.
Indian Graveyards
Indians (Native Americans for the slaves of political correctness) have been known to place curses to deter desecration of their burial grounds. When modern people decide to build housing developments on top of these places, the curse is activated. The magic of the curse reanimates the skeletal remains. While these zombies are scary as hell, and roam around causing massive emotional scars, they are actually harmless, because their job is actually to get the people off the land and not to eat brains. Once this task is completed, they will return to their graves.
Masturbation
Fluids emitted during masturbation can, when left alone long enough, ferment into a very simple zombie-like organism. It will latch onto the face and suck out the soul, causing the victim to become a zombie. The best way to avoid this situation is to catch any fluids on your shirt, on the bed, in the sink, in a condom, or other place, and dispose of properly (for example, incineration). Masturbating into a dirty tube sock also works remarkably well.
The Solanum Virus
Disease like fluid that causes vital organs to shut down and renders the frontal lobe of the human brain "Under construction". The only known remedy short of death is holding your hand under a pump whilst shouting "WATER!", or the consumption of copious amounts of baked beans.
Experimental Chemicals or Medicines
Be wary whenever your town is about to be the first to test some variety of chemical or medicine. There is a very high chance that it will all go horribly wrong, resulting in a zombie epidemic. It is advised that if moving chemicals to not go past the local graveyard, as it is guaranteed you will hit a well placed bump and drop your cargo into said graveyard.
Vengeance
Sometimes if a bunch of really evil guys get killed, most notably Totenkopf SS troops or Knights Templar who believe the Church's lies about themselves and assume they're evil, they'll periodically come back to feast on the flesh of the living. Particularly dangerous, 'cos they've got weapons (swords, spears, firearms) and may remember some vestige of the tactics they learnt when alive.
The Venus Probe
It came back, the dead rose; as with "Vengeance" above, "lack of an identifiable mechanism" is distinct from "Absolutely no reason whatsoever" but about as much help.
Absolutely no reason whatsoever
Occasionally you will find that there really was no reason for the zombie outbreak. It just happened. In this instance, it is advised that you notice signs of the zombie outbreak, regardless of how 'dead' everyone seems to be normally.
What to do During an Outbreak
Look For Frank West
Look for photojournalist Frank West. He should be carrying a camera and about 10 weapons depending how far through the game he is, and dressed in either a brown suit and loafers or something completely stupid, like gym shorts and a Lego man helmet. If you can find Frank, stay with him and you will survive the outbreak, unless Frank dies from 2 minutes of not having food.
Zombie Cloud Hotspots
Zombie Clouds are typically attracted to hospitals, schools, research labs, graveyards, shopping malls, abandoned streets and run down buildings baisicly anywhere that is creepy and a good set for a film. It is therefore best to avoid these areas like the plague (pun intended), and if it is necessary to approach them do so only with a full compliment of equipment and preferable a Zombie Survival Group.
Answer the following question's to determine if an area is a Hotspot if you are unsure;
1. Is it a popular place, regularly visited by the living?
2. Does it have any connection with the dead?
3. Is it in any way abandoned or run down?
4. Can you hear the moaning of the zombies as they look for brains?
5. Can you see any zombies as they look for brains?
6. Does Michael Jackson hang out there?
If you answered 'Yes' to one or more of the above questions then it can be assumed it is a Zombie Hotspot and should therefore be avoided. If you happen to be caught in a Hotspot for any reason then follow the Suppression Techniques detailed below.
Zombie Suppression Techniques
There are many ways to suppress different types of zombies. A common weakness to note is the head or brain area: without their heads, they're often powerless. Some common Zombie Suppression Techniques are as follows:
The Blunt Object To The Face Technique or simply 'Face' method is particularly effective as a last resort and a popular Olympic sport. It involves a living person, one or more zombies and a blunt, preferably heavy, weapon. The basic idea is to approach an available zombie, carefully avoiding the freshly slaughtered ones (as a fall would mean certain death) at a run or fast walk, and swing the blunt object with force and speed into your target zombies head, preferably decapitating and rekilling it. Preferred weapons include the Maul, the Club, the Bat, the Crowbar (For more information, see Half-Life), the Steel Pipe, the Baneblade Super Heavy Tank, or the fender off of a Chevelle.


You can fend of zombies with the help of vibrating swords. Only should be used by male.
The Shotgun Technique is a very common and effective, if unimaginative, way of destroying zombies, especially in large Clouds. Its devastating impact on decaying tissue over short range and its large blast radius make/have made it an instant favourite among all zombie killing connoisseurs who fancy a mass redeath with maximum explosiveness. The standard Shotgun Technique involves standing still and facing the approaching horde of undead, as they draw ever closer it is recommended the shotgun wielder adopts a bracing posture, ready for the recoil of rapid shotgun rounds (see Halo). As soon as the zombies reach a distance of approximately 2 meters start firing into their midst, aiming for their heads (as this is proven to have the most effect). Once the zombies in the cloud have been reduced to their component atoms it is strongly suggested that the wielder moves on, as zombies are naturally attracted to the sound of shotguns firing, this may seem strange at first, but if enough clouds gather the shotgun wielder will be overcome and turned into a zombie him/herself.
The Military Mop-up is when, at the end of an outbreak, the military show up and kill as many zombies as the zombie squad killed in the last three days in 20 seconds using their assault rifles. Anyone in the squad who is still alive at this point (usually two people of the opposite sex) is guaranteed not to die later on.
Escaping the Cloud
The cloud of zombies is medium paced and very scary. Some people will be tempted to look over their shoulders and see that the zombies are about 0.5 meters behind them, then after getting the shit scared out of them, they run faster when not needed and get really tired so they start slowing down. If you have particlarly bad luck or are just not good with these situations the cloud will follow your every move. REMEMBER. the cloud CAN move through fences and fly-screens so dont bother hiding. to shorten this down into a few words: The best way to escape the cloud is to shoot yourself in the head with the shotgun (if you havent dropped it in an attempt to lighten yourself up after long hours of running). If you want to actually survive the zombie-cloud you might have to lock yourself in an airtight room for a couple of thousand years and wait for the cloud to disperse or follow some other defencless victim. There are a few cases of keeping the zombies preoccupied until you are out of sensory range, but this is not recommended.
In Case of Death
Burn the corpses using napalm or petrol, then bury the remains.
Blow up the corpse with a grenade.
Lock the corpse into a secure confined space away from people.
"Remove the head or destroy the brain". Totally.
Throw the corpse from a high window(if it zombifies it wont be able to climb back up).
Throw the corpse down a bottomless pit(if one is available - this is probably the best thing to do).
Take a picture of yourself with the hot dead chick that lived across the street. You can convince people it's your girlfriend and get some high fives from your buddies.
If you do not have the materials to destroy the bodies, ensure that the bodily fluids of the deceased are kept away from the living, as they may contain zombifying pathogens, as well as venereal diseases.
In the instance of your own death, you are unlikely to be able to perform the required actions. So pin a note to yourself of what to do, to ensure that others are aware of the situation, or a bomb to go off when you die (or zombify).
DO NOT!!!
Stay near anyone with short hair, nice teeth and big muscles called Chris or Leon. This means that you are a supporting character and could wonder into a fatal cut-scene at any moment.
Surviving the Fallout
The following section is related to the events that will occur directly after the zombie outbreak has been quelled, and will have basic tips on how to survive in a world devastated by a massive zombie invasion.
Living Conditions
Those should be very good. Or you did all that for no reason.
Survival Methods
1. Run
2. Run even faster
3. Run faster than that guy next to you
4. dont let the spazzy woman try and get her dog back
5. Shoot
6. Commit suicide (???)
7. Die hero's death (You will be alive in other people hearts)
8. Drive to Alaska (Zombies will freeze into zombsicles, delicious and nutritious!)
9. Go out to sea (zombies can't swim, but its fun to see them try.)
10. Sacrifice Ms.Barbra, the old lady across the street(no one liked her anyways.)
Repopulating The Human Race
This is probably the most important (and fun) section of this entire guide. If the survivors of the outbreak do not know how to repopulate or follow a religion (explained below), then the cause is lost. However, aside from the necessity of this activity, it is also immensely enjoyable, unless you happen to be suffering from a severe lack of genitals or the terrible FE (Friction Explosive) condition. Note: Make sure you have two males and two females, otherwise after you reproduce, if your offspring do the same, everyone else in the human race will have three arms.
A basic guide to reproduction is listed below, with subtle method changes suggested depending on the number of surviving females and males:
1. Foreplay:
Usually foreplay will be limited to finding a suitable "Breeding Den" or "Lifemaking Tent" in which to create the next generation of humanity, however, in certain situations it is recommended to attempt a Post-Zombie-Invasion pickup line, such as:
1. So, its just you and me...
2. I dont know about you, but I could sure go for some repopulation right about now.
3. I'm the only male/female left alive, if you want anyone else you know what to do...
4. Well, this is awkward.
5. Is that a crowbar in your pocket, or do you just want to repopulate right now?
6. You know, Adam and Eve were in the same situation we are, lets go for some new Genesis.
Any other variation that comes to mind is viable, as long as it involves a hard to ignore suggestion of repopulation.
2. "Getting Busy":
3. Raising your Offspring:
4. Repeat:
Now that you have successfully engaged in fornication, given birth to your offspring, and raised them so they can survive in the harsh conditions of the Zombie Fallout you can rest safe in the knowledge that the human race will survive. For the next step see 1. Foreplay.
Note: In regards to people who are religious/notbatshitcrazy, remember that if you and your female companion are the ONLY ones left in the face of the Earth, then your children will be forced to commit incest. If you consider this activity taboo, then you can either say goodbye to humanity or suck it up. However, if you are comprehensive/sick, then you may accept this activity with no problems (and fap at it while you're at it, I mean, the world just ended, what else are you gonna fap for?) Or you can just remember that God didn't seem to mind it the first time, or that Lot's daughters came up with the idea first, so you're not to blame. Beside, you're not committing incest and dooming yourself to an eternity of pain and remorse---you're on God's good side, so you'll be able to stay up in Heaven enjoying the agonies of the damned, especially your perverted children's, making you just like every other parent who's ever lived.
How To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse
In this section there will be a few suggestions as to how to survive the Zombie Apocalypse.
The Zombie Apocalypse will occur when what is known as the Zombie Event Horizon is reached, in other words; when the number of zombies is greater than the number of the living, this event will most likely be caused by a severe Zombie Outbreak, originating from all the major outbreak causes simultaneously.
Please follow the following 6 pieces of advice:
1. Stay away from zoos! We all know that when the zombie virus/curse/Oprah begins to spread, animals will be infected along side their human counterparts. If you are a zookeeper when the infection spreads, you should sit down, think about how screwed you are, and then blast your brains out, not necessarily in that order.
2. Get a gun. If you can't figure out why a gun would be useful...or a shovel, then you should already be a zombie, or will be bitten soon since you are a moron. Note: Try to loot as much weapons/ammo at one time so that you don't have to go back and reloot. A good place is the ammo store, pawn shop, or your local S-Mart (unless of course the shop manager is off his "trolley").
3. If you can't find a gun, raid your local National Guard Armory, visit the White House, or dig a hole in a ground to hide. If you actually managed to raid the armoury and are still alive, get some RPG's, M60's, and a couple of tactical nukes.
4. Chainsaws are cool! Eventually you will get bored with blowing the zombies' heads off, so why not find a chainsaw and enjoy the gore?
5. More generally, learn to appreciate the good points of your new lifestyle. You may well have spent thirty years in a cubicle, building up rage against all of your fellow human beings...now you have a great excuse to shoot them. Sure, killing the already-dead doesn't produce the irreproducible pleasure of wasting a thinking, feeling, frightened, human being, but it's moderately close...and beside, in all the chaos, a few living people are bound to accidentally get shot or bludgeoned or tied down in that storage shed and tortured for a few days. Or if that doesn't work, "S/He told me he got bit," usually will. I'm just saying.
6. Get a car. By getting a car, you can just plow over the zombies (unless you're too dumb to know how to drive). Zombies don't know how to drive, and you can use this to your advantage. It'll conserve ammo and kill far more zombies than any gun. Bear in mind that cars can easily get stuck if the zombie cloud is too thick (imagine trying to drive a car through a mound of snow that's trying to extract your brain). A good counter-measure is to carry a nail bomb at all times, so that you can detonate it and kill the hordes of zombies who clawing at your windows(bearing in mind that this tactic will most likely also kill you). If you forgot your nail bomb then just stay calm and sit quietly and contemplate how royally screwed you are. Also, if more than one person is in the car, make sure SOMEONE is paying attention to the surroundings, as zombies tend to jump into cars when the passengers get chatty. And always check the glove compartment for extra guns and ammo.
7. Hospitals are very, very bad.... Don't go to the hospital no matter how bad you need medicine, or if little Timmy had his appendix removed at the time. There will, of course, be dead people there; which means there will also be a lot of zombies....
8. The local authorities are always screwed, so don't go to the local police station. You won't find anything there but a helluva lot of zombies. Any underground escape routes are usually blocked out by ridiculous puzzles and locks set up for "security". Ammo is also surprisingly scarce, as most of it will have been already been used, and any which can normally be found isn't compatible with the weapons available.
9. Graveyards are not cool. If you don't feel like being safe, do not try to enter this trap. If you really want to visit your dead family members, prepare for a mumbling monologue. It should go without saying that you will not find a proper topic with your great grandmother.
10. NEVER count on the military to come rescue your lazy ass because basically every single time the army is either unable to actually get to your position or are simply too lazy and can't be stuffed to help you...or if for some reason you are in a mall for three days at the time, the military will actually shoot you themselves. Yeah, creepy, I know.
11. Pray to your god that...
1. The zombies can't run or they aren't smart enough to use firearms. Zombies that can run are largely unpopular in the zombie fan community, so this is unlikely.
2. The military doesn't nuke your area. (Why rescue the survivors when you can simply carpet bomb the infected area? They're only civilians. Besides, Secret Services can cover up the civilian deaths. Tax money has to have a use, you know!)
12. During any zombie attack, you must never actually use the word "zombie", because it just sounds silly and ruins the tone of the situation. The term 'Undead' is preferred in this instance, or another name if there is a rational explanation for the zombies' existance.
13. If it's Christmas, hope that you've been nice. Santa Claus may very well help you out with a well-placed air strike.
14. The local conspiracy theorist who says that the zombies were created by the trusted pharmaceutical company? The odds are good that he's right.
15. Keep your cool. Screaming at a zombie never does any good; it's the zombie equivalent of offering them a turkey leg.
16. Never bring really annoying people with you. They always get eaten by zombies, thus they will most likely attract them towards you (though it might not matter if you're a Leader or Leading Lady, as they rarely die from/turn into a zombie).
17. Never use up all your strength running. A zombie can walk about as fast as a three year old, so sit back and watch. Better yet, taunt them by moving along in slow motion. Have a little fun. But if your luck really is as bad as it seems, they will run like a kid in a candy store, only without the candy, and with an even stronger bloodlust powering their rampage. In this case, the best solution is a stern voice, a small amount of alcohol, and a regular bedtime.
18. If a small girl approaches you amidst such a crisis with her face down, mumbling incoherent rasping sounds, or with blood dripping from her pudgy rotting fingers, do NOT hug her! She is not an abused orphan and therefore does not need your love!
19. If a zombie falls over, don't be a dumbass. They are trying to get you close to them so they can have a go at your leg.
20. Zombies never 'go away' by themselves. Even if it has gone quiet, this probably means they're really close to you and about to break through a nearby entrance.
21. Get rid of any hope of getting rescued (by the military or your mum) because EVACS ARE ALWAYS DESTROYED! ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE HELICOPTERS
22. Don't seek refuge in a shopping mall by barring the doors shut. In a few weeks you'll be begging for some pussy like a Hobo in a brothel.
23. If a friend gets bitten don't be sad and wait around and sulk, suck it up and be a man, shoot, don't talk.
Last Resorts
If you find yourself trapped in a corner by zombies, the best method of escape is to sacrifice your friends. While they are busy gorging on their brains, you can make a quick escape by walking past them at a relatively fast pace. This plan has one drawback, however. If your friends find you (and being zombies, they will), you can be assured that they will rip off your ankles and tie them to your face. But don't feel too bad about sacrificing them, they've probably thought of it as well.
Screw everyone else! Buy/build your own underground/high building/aquatic apocalypse bunker! (See above) Simply stock it with 10 years rations of canned chili, Powerade, saltines, your favorite books, and your significant other! If you can stay sane during those ten years, you will emerge in a lush new world where you and your love will repopulate the earth with inbred children.
If zombies are all around you and there is no escape, it is wise to have a grenade ready to at least dramatically take the undead bastards down with you. Or, as an alterative you may take a lession from terrorists and just strap 10 kilos of C4 to your doomed ass.
Talk to your family. This is really only necessary if they have something you need(or on an off chance you love them). First, convince them that the world is going to hell and fast. Then convince them that you have a plan that beats anything created by the police, the army or God, and that they should follow you. If all goes badly you can sacrifice them as explained in Last Resort one.
You must repent!! if you are greedy, selfish, or an overall pain in the ass you will be personally chucked at the nearest horde of zombies intent on raping you for all eternity by your friends and relatives. P.s if you follow this survival guide when the zombies invade you will most definitely join the legions of the undead, if you want to survive plan on all of them being fast-moving with their normal physical attributes as when they were alive, and use the guns and run...away tactic.